BLACK (H.S)

BLACK CHapter 38

Song: Love Yourself by Justin Bieber & Ed Sheeran

Quote: "I loved her in this hour and the next three, but not in the three after those." Quote created by my self :D.

BLACK CHapter 38

Harrys' Thoughts:

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes the person assume they are holding a man, when in reality you are drowning him while he holds on to you. It is all in your interpretation, it depends on the perspective you're looking in. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his sudden need of kīll. If I do not understand how to cope, I soon fear it will take over me. I have cried, angered with hits towards walls and forgave over my lost hopes and I would think I would be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps, and it stays in my spine the rest of my life with the image of waking up tomorrow and doing no deed. It all goes for the walls I have built up to lock away the sadness from escaping, and with that happiness never seems to enter anymore.

So It feels good to have my heart filled with happiness again. Although my mind, body and the rest of me do not feel in joy a least my heart gets a taste of it. It is sort of an overwhelming feeling but I manage and I like it. I suppose. It is not like anything that I have remembered of feeling but it is something new. Exciting even.

Amelia's sentences are like icebergs when she speaks to me, with just the tip of her thoughts screaming out of her mouth so lovely. But the remaining was kept dangerously bottled away in her head. Which I was starting to perceive that we are so very similar in every way form. She had her secrets and I had mine but we shared what we assumed was fit. Although Amelia did not always tell me everything she wanted to do. I knew there was always more needing to spill from her lips, even when she could not put it to words I understood her for her.

There was something bothering her for the past couple of days in the week. She did not let the subject linger for more than 5 minutes but I knew it was there by the way her body language spoke out to me. As if she was silently telling me to keep engaging with her, however, her eyes dismissed me no. She was not having it, whatever had been bothering her lately began to consume her spirit as well. She was not cheerful as she has always been she was not loud through the creaks of the halls like she is in the morning.

I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and focus one day at a time, but when reality sets in, I feel everything: anxiety, excitement, nerves, pressure and love. Anxiety because I feel at any moment I will do something horribly corrupted and I will not know how to take it back, excitement because all I see around me is light; it is beautiful and new and so amazingly welcoming.  Pressure from Amelia, she has started to take her medication, admitting you have a problem is only the beginning of it. At first she was hesitant and unwelcoming to the idea that she might have an eating disorder but I got to her.

And love because all I feel is my heart echoing so hard against the base of my ribcage I can hardly ever breath in normal rhythm anymore. It thumps so loud that I can not bare to hear the voices forming, screaming in my head at me. It is like they have vanished from inside my skull. I may not be able to breath but I can think again and it feels so god damn good.

But some days are just bad days, that is all to it and I can not do anything about it. I have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that's just the way it is. All I can seem to think of is death. All of this hallow space floating around in my head and the only thing I can seem to not keep my mind off is the end of life. If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it evenly, I will free myself from the curiosity of death and the insignificance of life -- and only then will I be free to become myself. But I do not want to think of this, I want to be happy with the person that creates it.