For Him - Shawn Mendes

WELL it crossed my mind

SHAWN

31st of December 2013.

I want to think this is my first time in New York, but all I can think about is the fact that this is my first year without Mum. Without a mother. Only a father. My god.

I need to move forward, to think of my career that I've already pushed aside for so long that fans are worrying. They hashtag about my safety, the hashtag trends, and suddenly the whole world knows that Shawn Mendes hasn't been on Twitter in 21 days and 17 hours and no one knows why. Tragic.

I don't think they want to know.

I wonder what it means to have fans. Does it mean they enjoy my covers or does it mean they look up to me as an idol? The idea of being an idol wouldn't have scared me a month ago, I'd be confused, no doubt, but I'd cope. I'd handle the title.

But these days thoughts drive me crazy and the last thing I need right now is people wanting to be more like me; to follow in my footsteps.

Because if they followed in my footsteps they'd be on the rooftop of a hotel, out of breath for two reasons:

1. They just hired a bicycle and cycled through the city, then ran up 11 flights of stairs until they reached the frozen air on top of the Marriot Hotel.

2. They just looked over the edge of an 11 story building, watching as the lasts of the New Year's Eve fireworks went off - and for once considered jumping.

I didn't, of course. I'm still here.

But it crossed my mind.

SHAWN

1st of January 2014.

I successfully avoided cars, but two hours of bike riding through the crisp winter air has wound me up with one hell of a cold and a very worried Andrew.

I think he knows. He must know. He hasn't spoken to me about dropping out of Magcon. He knows.

"I took a car," Andrew whispers, kneeling on the bed beside me, a glass of room-service orange juice in his outstretched hand. I take it. "And I'm here."

"Mhm," I hum, the comforting speech he's about to give me not one that I particularly need to, not to mention want to, hear.

"Shawn," He goes on, "we need cars, and I know it's hard, God, it must be so hard." Adults like to point out the obvious. "But we have an interview in two hours with Island Records, then Universal, and in the afternoon before we fly home, Atlantic Records. They're three major labels, and they all want you, Shawn."

He puts emphasis on the word 'want' as if suddenly a switch in my head is going to flick and I'm going to realise, oh, I'm here for a reason, yes, me refusing to drive is stupid. Oh, silly me.

But I can't blame the man for trying. I nod my head, "I know, I know. I'll make sure I'm there half an hour early-" I pause, "-for each interview."

"You're taking the bike," Andrew sighs, "aren't you?"

I don't even have to nod. He knows.