For Him - Shawn Mendes

i COMPOSED a lie

SHAWN

1st of January 2014.

"Shawn, stay with me."

But I can't, my intake of air is too rapid and I'm watching the watch on my wrist, 3 breaths fitting into each second.

"Everything will be alright." I allow Dad's voice to soothe me, to ground me. "I haven't seen much of you lately, but I'm always thinking about you." He pauses, a gulp to stop the tears, "Are you listening?"

"Yes," I muster, the crack in my voice scaring me.

"It won't slow down, no matter what you do," 10 seconds, 14 breaths. Progress. "so you have to hold on, okay?"

I nod, though he can't see.

What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?

"Would Mum have let me?" I ask, feeling the sentence twist in my mouth before it escapes.

Dad smiles behind the phone. I can hear it. His cheeks spread and he makes this noise, a mixture between a sigh and a laugh as he whispers, "I don't think your mother wished for anything else."

And suddenly Aaliyah is on the phone, and she's crying because she misses me and because she's happy for me and she stops, a cough between sobs as she puts on the most serious voice I've ever heard from her. "Shawn," She says, monotone as if this is life or death, "this is your future."

She hangs up, and I look down at my feet pressed firmly to the bathroom tiles of the furthest stall away from the door. Outside I can hear people talking, businessmen, receptionists, Andrew. They're wondering where I am and they're wondering why I left after signing the contract.

You've signed your life away.

"Shawn?" This time it's not my Dad, it's Andrew. I can see him through the crack in the door, his tall frame leant against the plasterboard. "Open up?"

He's your friend, Shawn. He won't hurt you.

So I do. He doesn't say anything this time. He closes the door behind him, squats down to my level, and, with the end of his expensive sweater, wipes a tear from underneath my eye.

"We haven't even looked at the other ones," I whisper, "What if Island isn't the one?"

Andrew shrugs, "Do you like it here?"

The question seems simple. Do I actually like it here? I look around, the tiles on the walls somewhat resembling the one's we have at home. Outside in the foyer there's artwork of palm trees and dark shades of blue - it's cosy. The people are nice and, although they tell me my contract could change at any time, it seems straight forward enough.

"I do," I reply. 10 seconds, 10 breaths. Okay.

"I hate Universal." Andrew waves his hand, "The people are nasty."

I laugh, a legitimate laugh that feels foreign to my mouth. There's something so very un-Andrew about it that makes me smile. "And what about Atlantic?"

"They got nothin' on Island."

And he's right. Island is great. Island is great.

He stands up, his arm outstretched for me to grab onto. I take it, content with my breath-to-second count and content with my decision.

The pen digs into my leg again as Andrew turns to leave. He checks that I'm still behind him, silently asking if I'm ready to go back in there - to face the suited men.

I nod but stay where I am, the pen still digging into the side of my right thigh. "I'll meet you out there," I say, pulling my diary from my backpack.

There seem to be so many things in my life at the moment that are changing; the only constant being this book. Perhaps that's why I love it so much.

SHAWN

4th of January 2014.

Hey Shawn, it's Hannah.

It takes me a while to remember who Hannah is. A girl, blonde hair, chocolate-muffin eyes. She smiles and she laughs. I met her at Magcon.

Why does it feel so long time ago?

I hope you had a Merry Christmas, and perhaps we can catch up before school starts? ( I think I am going to Pine Ridge High School )

Pine Ridge. I read the text over and over again, the information absorbing itself in my brain but, caught amongst questions and surprising amounts of joy it's lost again and I find myself reading the text over.

I can't help but smile at the fact that I have a friend. Hannah, the ice-cream-on-forehead-wouldn't-tell-me-her-name girl that I met when I was happy. When I was hit by the loss of Lauren and, among her lies, my friends. But Hannah distracted me and I found myself forgetting momentarily. Hannah radiates sunshine.

Pine Ridge. My school. Hannah at my school. Sunshine in a place of, at least for me, pure hell.

And I'm not going to school today because my nose is more blocked than Lauren's Instagram and I'm wondering if maybe I should get out of my bed, cycle to school and attend, just to make sure her first day is OK.

But Hannah radiates sunshine, and she'll attract nice girls like Sadie Young, the captain of the volleyball team who can't walk past anyone without a hello-how-are-you? She loves everyone.

Except me. Sadie swallows gossip and me cheating on Lauren is gossip. And Sadie does not tolerate cheating (especially not in volleyball).

"Dad," I call, swinging my legs off the bed. I feel like the main character in a movie, feet falling perfectly into a pair of fluffy slippers that I can then go and conquer the world in.

You're going mental.

"Yeah?" He calls back, the landline pressed to his chest as he holds his head at the door.

I lick my lips, dry from dehydration. "I want to go to school."

He raises his eyebrows, surprised by my sudden urge to leave the house. "No,"

She's just a girl, and you need to stay in bed.

"I read this article online," I push, an intelligent-fun-fact voice overlaying my extremely anxious core, "apparently when it comes to the common cold, people are most infectious before they're even showing symptoms. So, I won't get anyone sick."

"Is that so?" Dad hums. He pauses, a shrug from his shoulders as his eyes scan mine. I nod my head, a quick, fast nod in hopes that he'll see past my obvious nerves. "Well, you learn something new every day."

I expect him to take this information in, to consider the option of me making it to school. Instead, he shakes his head, "I wish you'd spend the time you do reading up on the every-day flu revising physics."

And then he turns to leave; leaving me in my fur slippers to wonder how movie characters ever seem to save the world with parents breathing down their necks all the time.

And I have this idea.