SAVIOUR ↣ CARL GRIMES [ON HOLD]

After.

Every step was mechanical. Robotic. One foot in front of the other. I was stiff. Each time a twig came into view, I avoided it. It was a routine. When you're in the woods, don't step on something that makes unnecessary noise. Noise attracted walkers. And people. But I wasn't alone anymore. We had gotten out. All of us.

I walked behind everyone, my eyes glued to the dirt and leaves of the forest floor ahead of me. The blood of the women who's throat I had slit was now dry and crusted all over my hands and spotted on my face. I could careless. I felt too numb to care. Like there was a whole inside my chest. I hadn't felt this way since I had killed my parents.

My blue eyes lifted from the ground to find the source of my emptiness and they landed on the boy with a sheriffs had atop his head. Carl was ahead of me, next to his father and sister. He hadn't looked at me since Terminus. Since I had followed orders and tore apart everything we had. Everything we had worked to hard to build.

"Hey..." A soft voice abled me to tear my eyes from the back of Carl's head to the source. It was Maggie. Her arm was outstretched and seemed to be handing me a damp rag. "It looks like you might need it." She said, her green eyes cautiously examining the blood on my hands. My eyes flickered from the cloth to my hands multiple times before accepting Maggie's offer with a curt nod. I rubbed the wet piece of fabric over my hands furiously, rubbing them raw. I wanted nothing to do with what I did back there. If only the cloth could wash away my memories. Tears welled in my eyes and I grunted with the effort I was putting into cleaning away the blood. Maggie's green eyes looked worried. The older woman reached out and put her hands over mine in order to get me to stop. The tears welled over my eyes and tumbled down my cheeks. I dropped the cloth and crushed myself into Maggie's arms, wrapping mine tightly around her thin frame and digging my face into her shoulder. At this point, I was completely sobbing.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean too I just—" My apology was cut short by another wave of sobs that racked through my entire body, making me shake. I could tell I had caught Maggie off guard but she stopped walking and held me. Her hand rubbed my dark hair as she tried to sooth me. She had no idea what I had done to get back to them. None of them did. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the images of that lady's slit throat and the people I had killed burned into my eyelids. I couldn't escape it. It was like my own personal hell.

I couldn't hear anything over the sound of my own cries but I knew the group was still. I could feel their gazes burning through my body. A part of me wanted to tell them what happened. How I had felt when I killed those people. But a stronger part of me wanted to keep it secret. If I said anything, I would lose all of their trust. And I would lose Carl forever. If I already hadn't already.

I turned my head on Maggie's shoulder and peeked at the group through my tangled hair. I could have sworn I saw pity in his eyes. But it was gone just as quick as it came. Maybe this was how it had to be. I was bad for him. I was toxic. Slowly killing him from the inside out. I was unstable. I had killed those people and liked it. Who's to say I won't do it again? I had to stay away from him. But, God, I need him so bad. He's the emptiness in my chest. After everything I've been through, I need him to feel whole. But this wasn't about me. There was no saving me, I was sure of it. And if it's too late for my soul...if I'm too far gone...then God knows, I'm going to save his.

I love him with everything piece of me that I haven't lost already. And it's because I love him that I have to stay away from him. I have to lose him forever.

So, hey guys! I know this chapter is short but I really wanted to express how Mikayla's mental state is going and, as you can see, it's not very good. Don't worry, I'll get back to the main plot in the next chapter, I promise. But for now, I hope you enjoy this extremely depressing filler chapter. I love you guys!