Complex world diaries | Maladaptive daydreaming

Intro.

I tried my best and gave all my efforts, all that was in my capability. Still, at the end I failed.

I always tried - always did my best for my aim, my goal. Whenever darkness enveloped me I would somehow find a way out of it to achieve what I wanted. I made planners, time tables, set alarms, made strategies and all in vain. Because in the end I failed as I struggled to stick with it and time was as japanese maglev train.

All this happened thanks to my fears at night and maladaptive daydreaming for whole day.

At the beginning I never paid attention to it although I always felt something was off about it. But now that it was named, I ignored it even more desperately as I can't accept the fact that I was mentally ill, specially when I had no money for psychologist and therapies. But I realised something worst- I can't achieve anything and live a life I could have lived.

As expected my inner complex world kept growing interesting and successful but my reality was falling apart. So I decided to confront it and learned that I had been like this since I was 11.

Children name toys talk to toys and act in their place while playing with them but I played with walls, named air and acted in their stead.

Over time I became weird. Given my poor health since birth didn't go to school and had not much friends and whenever I had nothing to do I would slip in my own world, not even pacing out, literally walking and talking to whom? My own self. At first it was quick but with time it gradually turned into hours spent in absolutely nothing while the tasks were waiting for me to be done, I was here playing with myself as I was done with my reality.

As I grew up, my fantasy wasn't just fantasy it became another world to which I shifted time to time whenever reality served something hard and painful.
In that world, I was incredible at everything and had an imaginary bestie. Damn successful damn good at whatever I did. Especially coding.

As my reality developed, it also did and became half me. But first things first- I'm doomed so I call it a serious illness and in my case a severe one because I HAVE ANOTHER NAME.