Beyond Reality - Watty winner in Spanish

Chapter VIII

PART II:

A real illusion.

 Chapter VIII

It maybe morning or afternoon.

Since last Friday I feel time has stopped altogether. I feel stranded, paralysed within. I haven't had anything to eat since that lunch, and I have no need of either going to the loo or sleeping. And even if I could, I wouldn't be able to. I am being hold back by pride and I know that, at least for this weekend, I won't be talking to her. I know I've been a complete arsehole but my words were impulsive. They were my creation and, thinking back about them, I believe I didn't mean them. I'm haunted by the thought of being an idiot to her, but the difficulty of accepting it holds me back again. I think and rethink the same things over and over again since yesterday, that's all I've been doing.

A rainy Saturday.

It reminds me of the day mum, Jeannie and Liza died but there's something different: back then everyone was shite but now I am. And now I am fully aware of the pain I have caused. If I had known earlier, I would have said nothing. She didn't deserve my anger or my hate, not one bit.

I was angry about something else and I used it to defend myself against things she never said. Why on earth am I such a bloody idiot? She didn't deserve my harsh words, but I let them go anyways. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday, which makes me feel even weaker.

And thinking that she will never forgive me because I shouldn't be forgiven, or that she doesn't want to talk to me after hurting her so badly, makes me cry even harder.

The windows of my room are open and cold starts dancing with the curtains, pushing some things to the ground and swirling the curtains together. Some drops pour in and splash me in the face, merging with my tears. I am laying on the floor, wearing the same trousers as yesterday, but nothing else. Cold is trying to freeze the reasons of my tears by piercing my eyes, which keeps my mind awake and reminds me to remember, because if I felt no physical pain I wouldn't be able to do so. I have no motivation whatsoever, and it feels like years have passed since our fight. But it was only 24 hours ago.

I don't know what to do, I don't know myself anymore and I don't know why I did what I did. And I don't understand what to do either. Everything I do will go wrong, because I have always ruined everything. I always did and always will. Adapt, overcome, and find out how am I going to face myself in order to recover the person I care about the most in this world. Thinking about her and imagining her face, exhausted of so much crying, makes me want to cry even more. Alexandra. The only living person that has loved me for who I truly am. The one who has idealised me, which felt good. And as a piece of shite I am, I hurt her. I said that I had idealised her and that I had made a mistake... How is one supposed to forgive someone after hearing that? I understand that she doesn't want to see me anymore now, because that's the wisest decision she could make, but my selfishness wouldn't allow that. I couldn't just accept not having her by my side. I am too weak as to live on without her. I can't even think about such a possibility.

Thinking about all these things makes me shut my eyes strongly. And I see no phosphenes. I see nothing. I only see darkness covering my heart and soul. Without Alexandra I cannot see the things that reminded me I was alive. Those things that helped me understanding a bit about the mysteries of life. Those things I enjoyed so much. Moments of infinity disguised in short chunks of time that stuck in every corner of my body, my mind and my soul, giving me reasons to keep living. Caresses and gazes, desire and smiles.

And I'm already abandoning that idea in my mind of getting over her, living without her.

I open my eyes and I let my pupils dilate by the light in my room. It is night time now and cold is just cold without wind.