I Wish You Would

That Was Too Hard

I was walking to the nurses station at the ICU where his wife was resting after surgery. Callie was in there doing her post op exam and then I saw a doctor come up and stand next to me.

"Hey I'm Elizabeth Hayes or Lilly, Trauma and you are Meredith Grey right?"

"Yeah I haven't seen you here are you the new person we hired." Mer said trying not to be freaked out by me the new girl.

"Yeah I started today it is also my first day as an attending so you know kind of a tough day."

"Yeah. It is always a big day had any traumas come in?"

"Yeah it's been a tough day already," I turned around to look at the ICU bed behind me "she's going to be fine so is her baby but..." Then Amelia jumped next to me.

"I feel amazing that guy should not be alive his brain was so messed up but I fixed it, all of it, it feels so good. "

After she said this I finally came to terms with what happened just then and I had to tell her.

"He died, the husband, he died we couldn't stop his aorta tearing he lost too much blood and he just died. And now I have to tell her that her wife and baby daddy is dead."

"Yeah that is a tough day." Meredith put the tablet down and walked away then Amelia walked away leaving me to do this by myself.

I had been standing watching for five minutes until I finally had the guts to go in and tell her.

"Mrs Potter. I am so sorry but your husband sustained too much damage during the accident and we were unable to repair any damage and he died today in the OR. I am so so so sorry." I had to walk out of the room quickly afterwards.

I don't know why this one hit me so hard, maybe because it was my first day, maybe because I connected to the case but I just had to walk out. I could hear her crying and screaming behind me but I just couldn't deal with it.

I was leaning against the nurses station when I felt a hand on my back. It was Callie.

"Ugh I'm sorry I know it wasn't exactly great patient care but this one just hits me hard."

"I wasn't going to say anything you just seemed like you needed a friend." She rubbed my back and sat and comforted me. It was like 9:00pm and I had, had an awful day.

"Callie are you on call?"

"No why?

"Let's go drink I need to drink."

"Yeah ok I am meeting Mer and Maggie there so we can all drink together."

I spent the whole night drinking and not caring then I went back to the hospital. I slept in the on call room near the ER so I could be up if a trauma came in. There was a gap in the corner of the on call room where I kept my box of things because I had no home to go to yet. I then climbed into the bed that was there and just slept the booze away.