Loving Loki

Changes

In the library, I leaned heavily against a shelf. So. He had replaced me. I sighed and grabbed my duster. No use crying or feeling sorry for myself. Ashanti was much prettier then me anyway. After awhile, I had to get a ladder to dust a top shelf. Then I remembered, they didn't give us a ladder. I began climbing shelves to get to the top one. When I had reached it, I held tightly to the top of the bookcase and with the other hand began dusting. My balance was awful and I almost fell several times.

I felt my hand slipping, but I just held tighter.  Then I felt myself falling backwards. I flailed my arms for several moments. I let out a little yelp, but it wasn't very loud. I shut my eyes tightly, expecting to hit hard ground. However, a felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me, stopping my fall. I opened my eyes. Loki.

I quickly released myself and bowed. My hair fell in my face, obscuring it. I clasped my hands behind me and kept my head down. When I glanced up, I saw Loki was stepping towards me. I began to back up until my back hit a book shelf. He stopped a few feet in front of me. Then he came at me again. He put his hands on the shelf, right next to my head. His face was inches from mine. His breath was cool against my flushed skin. I lifted my eyes and met his.

Oh those swirling green orbs of beauty. They captivated me and kept me from looking away.

He smiled a sad sort of smile. One you can almost feel breaking your heart.

"Do not, my dear, think for a moment that I have forgotten you or all the things you ever said to me. You have become a part of me. You are in my mind, heart, and soul. But I must erase you. I am king. I must not have any weaknesses. The problem with us is that I care too much. I must find someone who I can love with a sliver of my heart and have that person feel the same. With you, I would give you all of me and that is like handing a knife to the enemy and letting them hit me at my weakest point. Doubt my words. Doubt my intentions. Doubt my humanity. But never, not for a moment, doubt my love. Ours was fated to die young. You have changed me. You have branded your name on my heart. And now, I must say goodbye."

I stood mutely. I spoke not a word, nor displayed an ounce of emotion. I longed to tell him that it was not so, but in that second, I knew this was the way it was meant to be. I was fated to be alone and unloved. I had loved him with an inexpressible passion, but now I was forced to forget him. I would cease to exist. I felt a pair of cold lips gently press against my forehead and then he was gone.

I felt the way one feels when finishing a good book. You have reached the last chapter of the story and it ends sadly. Your heart breaks as the words twist the knife in deeper. You hurt too much to cry. You simply close the book. You hadn't expected that ending. But it was there anyway. You did not regret reading it for you felt the depth of it. And then for weeks or months after closing the book, the final word drifting through your mind, you feel the heartbreak.

I felt like that. As if I had just closed my book. As if my story no longer was there. I had lost everything in days. And the funny thing was, although it hurt, it was the type of hurt that you got used to. The kind that remains forever but breaks your heart only half a dozen times.

I resigned from work at the castle. I left Asgard shortly afterwards. I wandered for months before settling a kingdom far from my home. But I had ceased to call it that. I had no home.

I knew not how it happened nor why I agreed. It didn't stop the fact however. While I had been wandering in a meadow, exploring my new shelter, the king of this country saw me. He told me later he fell in love with me at once.

He sought me out and spoke to me. I spoke little of my past. After a month of talking, he proposed. I warned him. I tried. I told him I had no love for him. I could give him respect, care, and even affection but not love, for none of it remained within me.

He promised me the kingdom, gold, jewels, anything. If only I would say yes. He could live with my lack of love. As long as I played the part and gave him what I could, he would be contented. I finally accepted.

A mere two days later I was crowned queen of Lemuria. I knew nothing of being queen, but Asmund (My new husband) helped me through the first difficult months. I soon was able to hold my head up in court and speak with regal authority. Soon, everyone in Lemuria respected me. I was rumored to be a just, kindhearted, and strong queen. I did my best. Many considered me detached and the bravest called me cold. But it was not coldness. It was the absence of something. I could not lay my finger upon it. I still had a heart, I wasn't completely cold.

One day, Asmund announced that we were to go to war against Asgard. He gave me a long list of reasons, apologizing since he knew that was my place of origin. I waved his apologies aside telling him that I would support him in whatever he thought best. He lovingly kissed my cheek.

Our relationship was a strange one. We were the best of friends. He was my only companion. We told each other most of everything. But we were more like friends then husband and wife. He had respected me enough to know that I would not want all the physical aspects of marriage. I slept in different bed in the same room. We did not want to arouse suspicion. Except for my wedding day, we had never kissed. We were the best of friends however, and that seemed good enough for both of us.

He went off to war, leaving me to rule the kingdom. I did my best and no one tried to rebel or start an uprising. Three weeks after Asmund left, his general returned to me. He gravely explained that Asmund had been killed in the battle. I nodded, keeping my face straight. I sat a little straighter in my throne, arranging my bejeweled hands in my lap.

It seemed dreadfully cruel to take the one person who had loved me away, but I bore it well. I was afraid of a rebellion but it seemed that my kingdom supported me and swore their allegiance to me. My army decided to leave in peace, abandoning the larger kingdoms to fight Asgard. Not before, however, capturing a prisoner.