Beneath the Surface [New Author]

New Beginnings

Aileen was a quiet introverted girl, she had struggled with social anxiety all twenty-three years of her life. She found it hard to do "normal" people things, like leaving her house or making a doctor's appointment. The only time she had to leave was for work, and that was only because she had to afford her monthly rent and utility payments somehow. She hated going, but luckily, she worked as a vet tech assistant, so most of her time was spent with animals. Still, she found it incredibly hard to talk with her patients. Because of this, she had a hard time making friends growing up. She had tried talking to other girls her age, but her overthinking-combined with an empty mind- made it nearly impossible. Just getting up to sharpen a pencil felt like it would drain all of her energy.

I was going to be late for my therapy appointment with Dr. Gretchen Meyers, but, of course, I was doing the absolute most when it came to getting ready. I knew I was deliberately doing this to myself, but I couldn't help it. At least I was freshly showered.

I'm 5'6" and fairly slim, but I've always been self-conscious about my little tummy pouch. My skin is pale, though I've got a bit of a tan, and my hair is thick, shiny, coffee-colored, and wavy, falling all the way down to my bellybutton. It's my favorite feature about myself, along with my upturned honey eyes and long eyelashes. I rarely ever need mascara.

I love wearing vintage band tees and often find myself ordering too many vintage clothing items off eBay or Etsy. When I was little I loved going to antique stores with my mom, but I find it hard to do now. She still tries to get me to go with her when she wants, but she never has any luck.

I'm incredibly grateful for my mom-she's my only best friend. She was the one to encourage me to finally go see a therapist and deal with this mental sickness I've been struggling with.

My mom-Liliana-is a petite 5'1" Latina woman. She's incredibly kind, but she can be feisty when she needs to be. I got my height from my dad.

Liliana was waiting outside of my townhome, honking every 2 minutes, which got me to rush out. She knew she had to pick me up for every appointment, or I never would have gone.

"Bye, thanks for the ride," I told my mom as I was getting ready to shut the door. I closed it quickly and hurried inside the tall glass entrance. As I walked in, I was hit with that familiar smell that all health clinics have-you know, the one that lingers in every clinic, at least in my memory.

I approached the counter.

"Name?" the customer service lady asked

"Oh, um, it's Aileen Whitaker" I muttered quietly, unsure if the lady with the purple glasses could hear me. "Alright Aileen," she said, "I'll let your therapist know you're here. Go ahead and have a seat in the meantime." She pointed toward the waiting area.

I took a seat in one of the blue chairs, positioned across the children's play area. A little boy was coloring a picture at the children's table. He ran over and handed the picture to his mom. Aileen smiled to herself. She had always wanted children, but she couldn't help wondering how she would become a mother. After all, she hadn't even had her first kiss-and she was twenty-three! The thought always worried her. Some of the boys in her classes growing up had been cute, but she could never bring herself to talk to them.

"Aileen Whitaker!" Her therapist, Gretchen, called out.

I looked up, stood, and walked in her direction.

"Right this way," she said cheerfully.

I followed her down a long hallway until she stopped at a door and motioned for me to go through first.

"How are you today?" Gretchen asked curiously as she sat at her desk.

"Umm, I'm doing okay," I muttered, unsure of what to say.

I sat down on her pine-green couch. I was always fascinated with Dr. Gretchen's room and couldn't help but let my eyes wander. There were plants hanging from the low ceiling, in front of her windows that looked out over the tall buildings surrounding, the office. Bird pictures, all framed in gold, covered her walls. She was definitely a bird lover, I thought to myself.

"Have you left the house at all this week? Besides work, of course," she asked, jotting something down in her notebook, knowing I probably had the same answer as always.

"Uhm, no, I haven't. But I haven't needed to. I didn't have any plans," I replied, my voice trailing off with disappointment.

If only I had friends, or a boyfriend, or just plans for myself... or wasn't me...Jeez, I wish I was more normal. Why can't I be normal? I thought to myself.

"Okay, I want to try something different with you," Gretchen said, a soft smile on her face. "I want to challenge you to write a list of small things you'd like to do with yourself to help get you out of your shell and into the world." She handed me a piece of paper and a pencil.

"I'll give you some time to work on that, and I want you to set a goal: Try to do one of these things with me at least once or twice a week-whatever feels easier for you."

I took the pencil and paper, unsure of what to think. I was scared, and I could feel my breathing start to get heavy. There was no way I could do this, but I knew I needed to. I just wanted to be "normal."

"I want to help you, Aileen," Gretchen said with her soft smile. "We'll do these things together until you're ready to do them on your own."

I fidgeted with the pencil and paper, my mind racing. I knew all the things I wanted to do-like going antique shopping with my mom or picking blueberries since it was mid-June. I'd missed out on so many years of fun and 'normal' things because of my 'sickness,' and I was done with it. So I wrote. The list I made had about fifteen things I'd like to do again.

When I was done, I handed the paper to Dr. Gretchen. She took it from me and glanced down at the list.

"Aileen, I'm so proud of you for giving yourself the courage to write these things down," she said softly. "I know it can be hard, but we'll start with something small."

Her eyes moved down the list, and she pointed to the first item. "How about we start with a simple walk around the neighborhood?"

Gretchen had mentioned meeting with me and another patient who was struggling with the same anxiety issues I had. But the thought of another person being there made me feel uneasy. I had just started to get somewhat comfortable with Dr. Gretchen, and now she was bringing someone unfamiliar into the mix? I was irritated, yet curious. Who would it be?

AUTHORS NOTE:

Thank you so much for starting Beneath the Surface. This story as I'm writing is deeply personal to me, as it touches on themes that we all face in some form-the journey of self-acceptance, the challenge of overcoming fear and anxiety, and the delicate process of learning to open up to love and connection.

Aileen's journey is one I hope resonates with anyone who has ever felt stuck, lonely, or overwhelmed by their own struggles. It's easy to feel isolated in this world, but I want you to know that there's always room for growth, even in the quietest moments. I hope you find comfort, hope, and maybe even a little bit of romance in these pages.

Also, feel free to leave any feedback it's appreciated!
With Love,

Faith <3