Disequilibrium

Part 4: Senior Year - Scene 4

"You want me to leave him?"

"Holden, sometimes leaving is the best solution."

Then it finally clicks. The things packed in boxes. The trailer all messed up and distorted. Her face.

I stand from the sofa, holding onto the armrest for support. "You're leaving."

It only takes those two words to get the tears falling out of her eyes. I watch her for a moment, not sure if I should be comforting her or doing nothing. I choose the latter.

She sniffs a little, wiping her nose with her arm even though there's nothing there. "I should've left a long time ago. I wanted to. But your dad...he made me think we actually had something. He kept going on about us moving together and raising you and sending you off to college like a normal family. He told me to wait and I did and now—" Her voice breaks. "I'm sorry. I can't keep sitting here for nothing. I'm sorry."

I want to say something to her. I really do. Don't leave me. I need you. Please, don't leave. The words are there, right at the tip of my tongue, but I can't bring them out. My heart is doing backflips in my chest. The boxes are swimming around me. And she just keeps crying, and crying, and crying—

"I have to go," I say, already heading over to the door. She tries reaching for me but as soon as I flinch, her hand stops. Damn, she looks sad as hell. How does my face look right now? Is that what's making her cry so much?

"We'll talk later, yeah?" She tries to smile. "We'll talk about everything later on. When you're calmer."

The last thing I want is to ever speak of it again, but I can't tell her that. I don't know why. So the only thing I manage to do is to give her a look before shutting the door behind me, leaving her alone in her cluttered trailer full of cardboard boxes and knickknacks.

***

Something inside me kind of dies a little the more I walk to Casper's house. The hurt from before is no longer there. I can smile easier at the people I meet on the street now. Paint a mask much better than before. I'm not sure if this is me giving up or growing stronger, but I'm not complaining. It's false courage, I know. But there's nothing to complain about that.

By the time I make it to Casper's place, I see him sitting on his front porch steps. He's staring out at his quiet street with this far-gone look on his face, eyes looking a little hollow with his lips ajar. The closer I get, the more I notice how his cheeks are a little red and the pile of beer cans at his feet.

"Cas?" I call, still staring at the cans. It takes a moment for him to notice me, and when he does, some sloppy smile grows on his face all lopsided and stupid looking.

"Hey, man," he says before gesturing to the street. "I was just thinking about something funny. You know, thirty minutes ago this street was a little louder. Kids coming home from school and stuff. Now it's all quiet. I mean, back in the day, the kids would still be out around this time. They'd be here until dinner. Now the kids don't play on the street anymore, do they? It's sad."

"Are you drunk?"

He doesn't answer my question. Instead, he pats the space beside him, still hanging onto that grin. "Come sit. Watch nothing with me."

I've got no other choice but to listen to him. Once I get seated, Casper offers me a can but I can't drink it. I don't think I can do much of anything at the moment, so he takes it for me.

"Things are getting shittier for me every day," I say. His smile drops a little.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I just came from Nichole's. She's leaving the park."