Define irreplaceable.

18: delirious

I take a long, deep drag. I hold it. I stopped coughing after so many days, now it just gives me a small buzz. I take another drag. And another. Back to back.

Alright, let's think.

Da da da... how to.. fix.. myself. ...

Hmmm. Mhm mhm.... Mhm.

Yeah, I got nothing.

I stare at the ceiling for a bit.

The rules.

I've come to the realization that I have these.. rules. In my head.

I have these rules that I live by, that have cost me every single relationship I've had so far.

I know who I got them from.

- Don't cry. Crying means you're weak. If you're weak, you're useless. Then nobody will love you.
- Don't complain. Take every hit. Obey. Don't talk back. Make yourself useful, or you're worthless.
- Don't let people get too close. You're not deserving of love, and they will realize why.
- Don't let yourself be happy. That's not for people like you. You will never deserve it.

To sum it up. I live by these rules, because they were branded into my brain at birth. I've never been able to get rid of them, let alone question them at all. I see it as fact, and fight against anything that contradicts it. I know they're stupid and extreme, but I've never been able to get rid of the thought process that comes with it. I realize sooner or later that the people who don't follow these rules tend to be the happiest, and the best people to be around.

Another reason why I want to get rid of these rules is for Yamaguchi. They sound normal to me, but if I were to overhear Yamaguchi repeating the same things I repeat to myself, I'd think he's stupid and gone mad. If he said "I'm worthless, I'm undeserving of love and happiness, my only purpose is to make myself useful and not complain." I'd probably smack him upside the head and say "The fuck is the matter with you? That's nonsense, stop saying that."

I wonder if he feels the same way about me. Is that how he feels when I act that way? That I'm talking nonsense? If so, no wonder why he freaked out.
Thinking about it now, those rules seemed more like a survival guide than morals. The least violent route to trying to get through my childhood, which still ended up being violent regardless.

If I cried, I got smacked. Things were taken from me and I was punished.

If I pushed back, the punishment was always so much worse. Was never an option in my mind.

If I was happy, I was reminded of how privileged I was just to have a roof over my head.

I'm a dog. I do what I'm told, and I don't fight back. Just like she said, I'm nothing more than a dog, awaiting orders and quivering in the corner.

She's gone now, but she will still always own me.

I hate it. I don't want to be her dog anymore.
I want to be someone Yamaguchi wants to talk to.
I want to stop living by these stupid rules.
I want to stop believing them.

I didn't think I was the one who needed to change until I let my mother choke me.

I think that might've been a small hint that maybe, just maybe, things weren't looking too hot for me. That these rules aren't worth losing my life over.

Part of me still wishes she did it.

Some ugly, sick, disgusting part of me wanted her to kill me so that I wouldn't have to do it myself. Because I thought I deserved it, because that's what she taught me.

Because maybe then
She would've felt satisfied.

Maybe then—I would've been useful.

...

The alcohol cabinet is whispering into my ear.

Because the weed isn't strong enough for tonight.

DOOOONT CAAAARE. YOU THOUGHT. YOU THOUGHT I WOULD DO IT AAAAAHAHHA.

...I want to tho.

Too bad I care about the people around me.
Too bad I'd rather suffer in progress than destroy myself over slight inconvenience.

I get it now. I think of it how Yamaguchi would.

Being pussy isn't crying, it's letting yourself waste away because you're too much of a coward to build yourself back up.

I'm not a pussy for crying, I'm a pussy if I stop trying to get better.

I don't need punishment, I need improvement. Jesus Christ, I get it. What's tougher than battling addiction and abuse and then actually getting out of it? Clawing yourself out finger and nail? Letting yourself succumb to the urge to waste away is the bitchiest thing you can do. Cause you don't even try.

That makes sense to me.

Loooong drag

.
.
.

... What if Yamaguchi moved on already?

My stomach clenches.

Noooope I can't think about that right now I was just making some progress-

What if he already has someone else who treats him better?

It's been a month and a half, surely he hasn't moved on, right?

... everything in me clenches and shakes. The thought alone makes me want to hurl.

If I saw him smiling and laughing with some other person daily I'd want to put their head on a stick. Just thinking about it, this imaginary person—I want to beat their skull into the ground.

...I might be making progress, but I am still very unwell.
And unhealthy.

I'm gonna just try not to think about that for a while-

But if I come back to school and see a motherfucker talking to him at all I swear I'll lose my shit. It's so selfish of me, but I can't control this feeling- I hate it. I mean of course he's allowed to have friends, but I've been gone for so long that it's way too soon. He can't move on. If I find out that he didn't care, that he moved on quickly and forgot about me, I don't know what I'd do. That's the end for me. There's nothing left for me here, there'd be no point anymore. I'm beyond terrified.

What if he figures out that I'm the worst option?
What if he finds someone who doesn't flinch?
Someone who doesn't have issues accepting love?
Someone who isn't such fuck-up?
Someone who can give him what he deserves?

I picture him laughing with some other idiot. Not talking, not hanging out with—laughing. Laughing and smiling the way he used to laugh at my sarcastic jokes and teasing.

Smiling the way he used to smile at me.

I'm fucking terrified. I'm going to throw up.

...If I see him laughing with some other jackass I swear to god I'll beat that motherfucker's skull into the concrete until I split their fucking head open, mark my words.

WOAH. holy SHIT. I need to go to sleep. Ohhhh my god I need to be unconscious right now.