Define irreplaceable.

2: The cycle.

I'm gonna admit that I need help, yes. I'm smart enough for that. But I'm also smart enough to know that other people have it worse than me, and this will all stop under my control. Yet I don't stop it.

—WALKING HOME—

*silence*

—AT HOME—

I get home, untie my shoes— straight to my bed. I just need sleep. I'll be fine if I get good sleep and eat well.

<Text: idiot>

Yamaguchi texted me. What does he want?
I shouldn't say that. He's my friend. I just hope he's not worried or something.

[OPENED] - idiot: sent an image

Some volleyball meme? Is this supposed to cheer me up? That's so pathetic. It's not even funny.

That's what I WANTED to text. In fact I almost did. But I stopped myself. He doesn't deserve this. There's no reason he would.
So instead, I like it. That's the best I can do right now.

—LATER ON—

I've been trying to fall asleep, but I end up just staring at the wall. Eyes wide open.

<Text: idiot>

Why is he still talking to me? I've been such an asshole to him. He's like a dog.

[OPENED] - Idiot: "r u okay? I'm sorry I crossed a boundary. I wasn't thinking."

Oh my god, he's still worried about me?

Tsukkishima: "No, I'm sorry. It my fault, you know that."

That's all I gave him.

[OPENED] - idiot: "what? What's going on?"

Yikes. I put myself in a cage here. I'm going to have to try and explain to him that the reason I'm being an asshole to everyone is no reason. Because I can't admit when I'm wrong.
Because of nothing. I'm a bad friend.

[OPENED] - "um I'm just feeling under the weather."

Wow. That's the best I've got? "A little under the weather"? I told my best friend to fuck off because I'm feeling "under the weather"? I'm almost talented at being an asshole.

<idiot is typing...>

I can't do this.

[OPENED] - "Let's meet up."

Why did I say that? I'm just going to be rude again. No. I can try. Who am I if I don't try?

[OPENED] - idiot: "I was hoping you'd say that."

I've been practicing non stop for the last 4 months with no breaks and no sleep. I thought I could handle it, but I think I'm reaching my limit. There's bruises all over my arms, I'm constantly exhausted, I'm rude to everyone, and for what?
Being smart means knowing the outcome of your actions. And I think I've made too many mistakes in that area. I need to man up and apologize. If I want to be able to like myself, I have to start with changing.

—THE PARK—

Y: "tsukki!"

He runs up to me and then stops.

Y: "can I ask you something personal?"

".. okay."

Y: "are you really feeling under the weather?"

"...no."

Y: ".. do you want to talk about it?"

"...... no."

My breath gets caught in my throat.

Y: "... can I give you a hug?"

...
...
...

He hugs me. I flinch.

Why the fuck am I shaking so hard?
Stop.
Why- why is he-
Fucking stop-
Fuck- get-
Get the-

"GET OFF ME"

I shove him off. He looks like he expected that.

I scratch all the bare skin he had contact with.

Y: "Sorry-"

"Yeah, you should be. I didn't even say yes.
What are you, gay??"

He doesn't say anything, he looks a mixture of disappointed and guilty.

I sigh.

"Sorry. Forget it."

Y: "It's okay."

"It's not. ... it's not your fault that I'm like this to you, y'know. You haven't done anything wrong, it's not your fault I'm wired wrong. I'm not built to be good to you, Yamaguchi.

Y: "I think you could be.. You just need some practice."

Something in me shifts. His smile after I beat him down verbally. He looks like he's used to it, which makes me feel even more like shit, and also something else. Something gross. Why is he so nice to me? I could pour hot soup in his lap and he'd probably apologize. He... likes being stepped on.

Fuck. I'm not... that. He's just such a pushover.

He smiles after I gut him. Like he wants it. Like he's waiting for me to do it again.

He's a bunny. I'm a wolf. He knows I'm gonna eat him. He knows it'll hurt. He imagines my teeth on his leg. But he doesn't run. He knows he should, but... he just lets it happen. ... I never quite knew why. It's weird, honestly. She should run. He never does.

"... See you."

And I hope he doesn't.