the boy on the cliff ☯

smile

It started off just like any average day. I thought it would end that way too. And maybe it did, but not for me. Not at all.
I place my food on my lunch table in front of me and slip into my seat.
The room is blur of clatters and people talking all at once. I block it out and try not to stare at Chanyeol. My efforts are useless. It's like he's the brightest thing in the room, the only thing that matters, a light in the dullness. How could I not stare at him?
I finish my lunch quickly, push my plate aside. My chin falls into my hands.
Tao is telling some elaborate story to Minseok opposite me. He waves his arms expressively and almost hits me in the face, his fingertips skimming my forehead. "Oops!" He gabbles, his face crinkling into a grin. I slump back in my chair, ducking down to try and make myself invisible. I don't mind not being talked to. I like being by myself, just me and my thoughts. I can almost pretend it's just me and Chanyeol, and not a whole roomful of other people. I can't tell if Chanyeol sits alone by choice. I would sit with him, if he wanted. I'd do anything for him, if he wanted, I realise.
Even in my head that sounds cliche, pathetic. I mentally kick myself for being such a creep. This is not some soppy love story. A weird feeling that resembles a large, heavy rock settling in my stomach forms as I realise it never will be. I might never speak to Chanyeol. I'll just be that one kid who watched him from afar, too ridiculously nervous to approach him. It feels as if I'll never forget him, too.
The rock-feeling jabs at my insides cruelly, like barbed wire wrapping around my organs. Self-pity. It's an ugly feeling, the worst.
I don't want to be here. I want to be at home, where I can curl into a ball and let the tears go. I want to escape.
I push my chair back with a squeak and manage to get out of the lunch room without drawing any attention to myself. Almost.
"Hey! Baek!" Sehun calls after me. I don't turn around.
"Baek!" He repeats.
I won't speak to him. If I speak, I will cry. I don't want to cry in front of him. Not in front of everybody.
I trail down the mostly empty corridors quickly, my footsteps echoing off the plain walls.
It doesn't take me long to get there. I push open the double doors and breath in the comforting, musty scent of used books. Revelling in the silence, I make my way to my usual corner, hidden away by three shelves that touch the ceiling. I run my hand across the spines of the books on a shelf labelled "BIOGRAPHIES" and slump to the floor, pressed against the wall. There is no one else here. There rarely is anyone at all at the library. It's one of the reasons I love it so much. Only now do I let myself cry, my sobs muffled as I draw my knees up to my chin and bury my face in the fabric of my skinny jeans.
Tears of helplessness, frustration. I want things to be how they were, before Chanyeol, before any of this. Yet a life without him is unimaginable. I don't want him not to exist, for me to have never known him, not really. I just want him.
I want to talk to him, to touch him, to see him when he's sad and weeping, and when he's so happy he can't contain it.
That's all I want, and I'll never have it. Not now, not ever.
My face is sodden, my throat beginning to hurt.
I'm going to be late for class. I wipe my face with the back of my hand and sniff hard, struggle to my feet. I feel better, even if only slightly.
I can't shake off the sinking feeling though.
I walk through into the corridor, which is just starting to fill up with students.
And there he is.
His SnapBack slightly wonky, clutching his backpack straps like an eager little kid.
Chanyeol.
He looks lost, thoughtful, almost irritated. Sleepy, kind of. Just like always.
Then he notices me.
His face softens into a grin, his eyes lighting up. He looks so different. So beautiful. His cold exterior melts away. He's just... Indescribable.
He turns my bones to mush, makes my fingers tremble.
I want him to smile at me forever.
But all of a sudden, he's gone, disappearing into a classroom, and I am left there. Dazed, confused. A wreck.