Ash and I exchanged horrified glances before looking back at Rosa, who was staring at us like we had just grown extra heads.
“Yeah,” I croaked. “It, uh, got worse.”
“Way worse,” Ash muttered, rubbing his temples.
Rosa leaned forward, absolutely invested now. “Go on.”
I groaned and covered my face. “So, after we introduced Red to his first word—which was, unfortunately, ‘ball’—we figured we should expand his vocabulary.”
Ash nodded solemnly. “So, obviously, the next logical step was to teach him about… substances.”
Rosa choked on her juice. “WHAT?!”
“We didn’t know any better, okay?!” I cried. “We were eight! We thought everything in that book was super interesting! I mean, it had pictures and diagrams and all these fancy-sounding words—”
“Like ‘isopropanol,’” Ash added, still looking like he wanted to bury himself six feet underground.
Rosa blinked. “You—you taught Red about rubbing alcohol?”
Ash laughed nervously. “Oh no. No no no. That was just the beginning.”
I took a deep breath. “So, we sat Red down at the kitchen table, opened the book, and proudly began his ‘education.’”
FLASHBACK
Red sat there, arms crossed, watching as his two idiot siblings stood in front of him with a medical textbook propped up on a chair. Ash and I had made a very official-looking chalkboard (which was actually just the back of a cereal box we scribbled on with marker).
“Okay, Red,” I said seriously, tapping the book. “Today, you’re gonna learn all about the cool stuff doctors use!”
Ash pointed to a section titled ‘Common Household Drugs and Their Uses.’ “This is super important, Red. You see this word?” He pointed at ‘Isopropanol (rubbing alcohol).’ “This is called—uh—iso…iso…propel?”
I squinted at the word. “Isopro…panini?”
Red raised an eyebrow.
“It’s ALCOHOL,” I declared proudly.
Ash clapped. “Yep! And alcohol is VERY important because—” He squinted at the page. “—it can be used for cleaning stuff… and… OH, it’s in drinks too!”
I gasped. “Wait, Red, do you drink this stuff?! You were on a mountain for YEARS, don’t lie!”
Red’s eyes widened as he rapidly shook his head.
Ash huffed. “Okay, good. Because it says here that if you drink too much of it, you can die.”
We both nodded very seriously at Red, who looked like he was reconsidering his life choices.
“Anyway,” I continued, flipping the page, “let’s move on to the next lesson: PRESCRIPTION MEDICATIONS.”
Ash gasped and pointed at a picture. “LOOK, RED! GUMMY BEARS!”
Red blinked.
I squinted. “Wait. No. These are… vitamins?”
Ash pouted. “Awww. But they look so tasty…”
Red slowly reached for the book, probably to check for himself, but I slapped his hand away. “No! You’re the student! No reading ahead!”
Red rolled his eyes.
Ash ignored him and tapped another picture. “Okay, this says that sometimes doctors give people medicine to make them feel better. But sometimes, people take the medicine wrong, and that’s bad.”
