Life was simple, easy, safe despite the nagging of others demanding to know what Y/n wanted to do with her life she had little to complain about.
Still she wished the sea would take her, she didn't want to worry about where her life was headed, she...
The fight between Kjartans and baby Ragnar was unfairly matched in my opinion. Kjartan having just watched his son get killed by the hounds gifted to Thyra was distraught when he challenged Ragnar to make the square.
Although a warrior, he was first a boats master, he was much smaller than Ragnar, adorning muscles, yes, but they were a feeble comparison to the ones Ragnar were packing.
Kjartan was also older and slower than the young Ragnar and he drew his strength from his taunts rather than skill. A stark difference to Ragnar who since he was a boy was trained to kill with force, skill and the strength he wielded.
Although even the strongest of men can come crumbling down, falling from grace when faced with the opportunity to avenge not only themselves but their family. That's exactly what happened to Ragnar.
Killing kjartan was not enough to subdue the pain and anguish which filled him. Repeatedly stabbing at the corpse damned to a place the Dane's called Niflheim, after killing the man without his sword in hand.
There was no honour in Kjartans death.
Ragnars cries echoed around the fortress, Sihtric flinching at each stab the young Ragnar impaled upon his father. Although Kjartan was Sihtric's father there was no love, no bond, yet the small child in Sihtric which yearned for a father's love was muddled with the emotions older him held.
Brida whispered, her voice a broken record repeating the same word with every slash Ragnar made. "Stop."
Finan and Clapa froze at the violence displayed. Hild and Beocca drew crosses in respect to the death of Kjartans and to ask for the protection of their god as fear rose within them.
I stood staring wide eyed, unable to blink, shocked at how such a strong and respected man like Ragnar could ever display such a side to him. Sure Ragnar had a heart that was as clear as the sky on a sunny day, but this drew the greyest of clouds over that sun that usually shone through, a violence that burrowed away waiting to come out.
Uhtred was the only one able to approach Ragnar and take his weak, trembling form into his arms. Cradling his brother who tried to kick at Kjartans body.
When Uhtred turned his head the disheveled, tormented, pale Thyra stood surrounded by hounds. The look on her face brought me back to the day I'd been rescued by Ragnar. How my own tortured soul reflected back at me in the water, resembling hers.
I knew that look, I knew her pain, I knew her stresses. So when she cried out a horrid scream and went running back inside, I turned back to the bodies I'd slain disgust racking my body.
When the order to clean up was given I watched Beocca follow Thyra inside. I wanted to go to the woman and offer her my support but how could I, a woman who despite having already gained her freedom was still just as broken.
Since my freedom was bestowed back upon me, I hadn't really had time to properly digest everything that's happened over the last year. My mind kept pushing it back and now blood soaked my own hands and I found myself thinking how hypocritical I was, that I was no better than the men that enslaved me.
"Y/n!" A voice followed by a hand to my shoulder called upon me.
"Does it ever get easier?" I whispered.
"Not really, you just learn to accept that either you kill them or be killed by them. Usually your body chooses for you." Finan whispers back.
"Fighting instinct." I hum crouching down to close the eyes of the youngest looking Dane I had killed.
"I have been thinking..." I trail off allowing someone to take the bodies away. "I should like to see my homeland. Not now, but one day. Maybe then my mind can find its peace."
"But until then." Finan asked. Uhtred, Sihtric, Hild and Clapa came up behind him.
"Until then I'm...." I trailed off.
"Fragile." Steapa who seemingly came from nowhere spoke up behind me.
I nodded. "I am not cut out for this world, yet I find myself thrown into it." I look at the bodies being taken away.
"I come from a time where I would never have seen the horrors I have seen since being here. Never have experienced what I have experienced. In my time people are... gentle folk. Even if there is violence it is rarely to this degree and even then it is shielded from the people who would not be able to handle it well." I speak turning to face the others with a new found conviction in my eyes.
"I won't call myself weak, I know I am not, but I am not strong either. I am someone who needs to take their time to learn and understand everything before I commit to my actions. So I ask of you, Uhtred, everyone, please bear with me while I try to find who it is I am supposed to be here, what I am supposed to do.... Please." I begged, looking each person in the eyes as I express my need to find myself if I am to live the rest of my life in a time where death would follow in the wake of my every footstep.
Uhtred with a fond smile walks up to me taking my face between his hands. "You are too good a woman for this world Y/n." He chuckles. "If time is what you need we will give it to you... but I want you to know I am proud of you." And with a quick kiss to the top of my head each person came over offering a reassuring pat to the shoulder or back before resuming their duties.
~~~
To Be Continued
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