The Merrynether Cryptofiles

The Nefarious Naff-Naffs and Guffs

Specimen number: 0003 – The Naff-Naff (Sulphiticus Consumonus)

Provisional taxonomical classification: Animalia/Anthropoda

Date of classification: 18th March 1961

Discovered by: Dr. Leornard Bortrose

Submitted by: Veronica Merrynether

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It was with great excitement that we searched for the nesting sites of the Screaming Squadger colony. Several sites were discovered eventually, but not without consequences and, for some of us, a measure of embarrassing discomfort. The protective shells of the Squadger eggs give off toxic fumes which—aside from smelling like month-old sweaty socks—bond very well with water molecules. Unfortunately the contaminated water reacts rather badly with common bacteria living in the human stomach, so any of us drinking from our water flasks when in close proximity to the eggs paid the price after our evening meals.

I’m relieved to say that the bodily reactions are not dangerous in any way, but the resulting flatulence is, nevertheless, quite atrocious. It is a wonder that any of our tents remained pegged to the ground that night! But that was not the discomfort I was referring to; the worst embarrassment was solely consigned to our unfortunate geologist (yet again), Leonard Bortrose, who consumed more contaminated water than the rest of us at the nesting site. Our senior biologist believes that the metabolized Squadger toxins were the catalyst for the many minor plagues of pestilence that followed throughout the night.

As soon as Leonard fell victim to his own fetid expulsions, a swarm of insects—each the size of a tropical dragonfly—entered his tent. Muddy in colour for camouflage, these insects probably live by the many sulphur pits we observed in various locations bordering the forests in the mountain areas. They have compound eyes not dissimilar to the common house fly, but there is no discernible proboscis, which leads me to believe that the many tendrils drooping from its cigar-shaped body are osmotic collection devices designed for gaseous nutrition. Basically, they eat farts!

Leonard was not the only victim in our camp, but he was the first and worst afflicted. To our knowledge, the species is not harmful, but the erratic buzzing of their wings as they tumble and spin around their host is like having someone attack you viciously with sticky feathers. And the noise! My goodness, the irritating noise! Not loud, but Leonard summed it up best when he said it sounded like someone blowing their snotty nose up and down the strings of a double bass. The routine throughout the night consisted of a loud trumpeting from Leonard, followed by his whimper of, ‘oh no, please not again,’ followed by a small cloud of the sticky, brown, flapping creatures flooding into his tent and crowding around his posterior. The expletives would continue for around ten minutes before the insects lost interest and flew out again, waiting for the next sulphurous summons. We have not had chance to study the anatomy of any of these creatures in depth yet to come up with an appropriate name, but in homage to Leonard’s repeated screams of ‘Naff off!’ we’re calling this species the ‘Naff-naff’ for now.