Journal // haylor

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"We could make forever after all. Finding gold in our darkest moment."
-Cinderblock Garden

We could make it to forever if only you realized

Harry, i don't know how i'm still waiting for 'us'. I hate to admit it but its true. Later at night, i would find myself sitting by the window looking out at the stars, hoping you would miss me like i do miss you. But i didn't cry anymore, Harry. I would remind myself that you are dead. You're never going to come back to me even if your physically alive. You're just dead from my life and i want you live in it again. Isn't it weird? You're the one that hurt me but I'm the one who's missing you? I mean, i don't deserve all of this. How could this happen to me? You should be the one missing me. I shouldn't miss you because what would i miss? You treated me like shit. You didn't appreciate me. You didn't respect me as your girlfriend. You didn't care. But once, you did. And thats what i miss. The long gone Harry. The Harry that will never exist anymore. He will only exist in my past. And that makes me sad because i couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't go back in time and save the old Harry. I couldn't change you now. You're untouchable burning brighter than the sun. Every time i tried, i ended up getting burnt in flames. It hurts every time. But do you realize what i risk? No, you didn't and you have never realized it. I would travel down the earth for you and bring you home but you would still ask for silver and gold. I gave you home, i gave you comfort and what did you gave me? Nothing. Wait, nothing sounds better but truth is you gave me bullet holes when i gave you home. I was there when you needed me. Even when you were hurting me, i was there to love you. I gave you everything you need but everything wasn't enough for you. And when i walked out that door, i hope you realized that everything is enough for you. But its been two months and you haven't realized anything right? I know I'm hopeless. These shadows every night keeps reminding me. So its okay, Harry. Its not like im going to be surprise.