Because of the years before I had developed this deep-seated fear that if I didn't try to act overly like everyone else, I would be disappointed with again. Then I also had this huge fear that I would get left behind by my peers and everyone in my life, and would fail to keep any friends if I did not act 'normal'. It was one choice to me and one choice alone. Just one way to move forward. If I didn't conform to societal norms and act excessively like everyone else, I would be ostracized and friends around me would leave. This concern weighed heavily on me, and I felt pressured to pretend to be someone I was not in order to maintain friendships and keep up with those around me. I knew in my head that for my family it was almost impossible for them to do so. Their attachment to me was so ingrained that it seemed almost impossible for them to ever consider the thought. They were the ones who raised me, cared for me, loved me. An outsider could never have a bond like this with me, I thought. It was impossible, so why bother?
So it was that. I grew closely with my cousin. We'll call her Marina for now on. This is not her name in real life but I shall disclose them some privacy. They were basically my best friend that year. This chapter pertains to the events of grade one. That's what time period I am discussing this chapter from. Marina was the kind of friend that could only manage having one friendship and didn't have the emotional strength to have more than one friend at a time. She was as I'd describe it 'attached to me' and clingy. I believe deep down in myself, I knew why this was. It's clear that she had experienced difficulties in forming and maintaining friendships, much like I had, which likely stemmed from some trauma in her past. We got along well nevertheless but despite it I always had this thing where I would be her personal people pleaser. I struggled with a tendency to prioritize pleasing others over advocating for myself. As you can see where I had got this from was my fear others would not like me for my true, neurodivergent self and ditch me.
Since the start of the year right up until the end I had been masking autism. I was exerting significant effort to avoid both becoming mute and exhibiting autistic behaviors. With the benefit of hindsight, I understand that attempting to hide my autism was unrealistic. Even damaging. However, I don't hold myself responsible for my actions during that time as I wasn't fully aware of my situation. Which is why I have SM so much of the time I suppose. It isn't only caused by my anxiety but also issues related to ASD.
I wanted the other kids in my school to like me and not out me like they did once before. To add to that I blamed myself and told myself I was the whole issue as to why. I told myself I needed to change or in the least pretend until it was truth. It wasn't just SM and anxiety I was trying to change, it was the way my brain was naturally wired. You can't turn allistic or neurotypical. That's not how that works. Not in a million years was that ever going to be possible but I didn't even know what autism was, let alone that I had it.
Since day one I built up this courage. I'm not sure how I did it, but it happened. I had put this pressure onto myself to fit myself in a small, untrue box that didn't show my true self. I can describe this character as almost like a child with too much energy. And even overly extroverted and I was not.
Masking with autism refers to the act of concealing or altering certain behaviors, traits, or characteristics that are part of one's autistic identity in order to fit in or avoid stigma. While it's possible that someone may feel like they are a different person when they mask, it's important to remember that masking does not change their true self or who they are. Masking can be a taxing and emotionally draining experience, and can lead to feelings of inauthenticity, stress, and burnout.
I had to learn this lesson the hard way. Every day I would go out off to school, go the whole day putting up this facade and come home and absolutely feel like all life had left my body and my brain was dry with exhaustion. From as soon as I said goodbye to my parents and went into class, it was like this light would switch on within me. I abruptly changed completely, covering my identity with this false narrative. This happy, energetic, loud, lively, sociable kid. This was a lie. It was not who I truly was but out of my fears I kept it going, managing it for a long time. I saw no other way out of the pain I felt of being left as one on my own. Besides, they all seemed to like it, it was working. I got compliments for it. I was praised for it. But it was not who I was.
