all mine | pjm

f i f t y - o n e

Although you are physically exhausted, you weren't able to fall asleep.

After he got into bed with you, you asked him not to talk about any of it, and to just be with each other in the silence.

That's something you never really realized. You've never been with each other, breathing in each other's presence for a good amount of time, something almost always got in the way.

You had shuffled under the bed to take your shirt off, so that you could both be skin to skin. You wanted to feel him, really soak in the feeling of his warm, soft skin against yours.

He had then had wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you into him, his chin and lips resting against the curve of your shoulder.

He fell asleep after a little while, and you would close your eyes, trying to drift off, just to open them again,

After another hour of trying, you had just given up.

Now you are here, at five in the morning staring into the dark abyss of the room.

You grab his wrist and slowly unwrap yourself from his tight embrace. The movement makes him shuffle, and you freeze, waiting to see if he'll wake up.

Instead, you just trigger him to roll away from you himself. He moves slightly to his side of the bed so that he's laying flat on his back, his arms splayed out on the bed, so you sit up.

Under the very slight glare of the clock on his bedside table, you can make out the cursed cartel tattoo on the very bottom of his abdomen, the haunting eye looking right at you.

His stomach has new scars you don't remember were there before.

On the center of his stomach, you see a slightly bigger cut, one that reminds you of your own.

You look down at your stomach to see the ugly healed wound from when you were shot in your stomach, from the time you first found out about everything.

All seven of them have cuts and wounds decorating their bodies, but you never saw them, because they always wore long sleeves, or suits, they barely showed skin.

Now, you're slowly collecting your own marks, and your skin will start to look like theirs.

The idea makes you sick.

And your ears.

They are still extremely damaged, and probably will be this way forever. They are sensitive, and even loud noises that the average person would not bat am eye to, makes your head feel like it's going to burst.

You cross you legs on the bed, just staring down at Jimin's skin. The scars he has truly are everywhere.

And you want to rip your hair out, because seeing him this way is making your insides ache?

Why can't your body be repulsed by him? By them? That's all you're asking for?

All you want is to not feel tender and soft when they're near you, to not want to talk like you used to when you all first met, to not feel lighter when they are around you again, to not want to melt in their touch when they offer to hold you.

But it was too late when it all unveiled itself, you had already fallen in love with them, and nothing makes you more angry.

And they probably did that on purpose, that's what hurts the most.

They dragged it out, cooked and ate dinners with you, acted like you were their prized possession, took care of you, had fun with you, all at the start, they played "house" with you, so that you would start to fall in love with them, so that they became you're second family, so that every time they hurt you, you would still come back.