A Hybrid's Hunger

Chapter 40

Chapter 40

I wished I had killed you, because that would've been better than dying everyday for you and not being able to have you. Such a disturbing thought, isn't it? It's an eternity without you because I can't die and everyday I wake up with hope. Such a fucking terrible thing hope is. It's useless.

I don't read anymore. I stop—I can't. Not another one of them. It's too much, too much to bear. Just like what Estella said. These letters, they are his heart laid bare. They are also his confession and his punishment. They are letters of pain and silent screams.

His love for her, it's all-consuming.

I sit in the quiet room, lost in my thoughts. I barely blink, just wonder for a few long moments while the letters remain in my grasp. It's all so terrible.

Zade is a man who lost his love and himself along with it, it's painful. And I—I'm his mate?

I pick the papers up and kneel beside the bed to put them back into the drawer. But before I can, a few of the letter spill out from the stack and onto the ground. I lean lower and grab them all but at the same time, I catch a glimpse of something else in the drawer.

A stack of small papers.

I shove the letter back in and grab them. They are not papers. They are pictures, images. It's a bundle of them, all of them in different places.

Of him.

Of me.

I don't recognize myself as I'm too young, but I recognize my mother. She sits behind me, in this very house, and I'm in front of her with a boy, a young boy. Dark haired—Zade.

The next photo has us sitting outside, in the garden, on the bench I had been on today morning. There's sun gleaming down on us. I appear a bit older, in my teens. And I'm wearing the black heart necklace on my chest, just as I'm right now.

There are several other pictures and I recognize myself in some of them. I appear to be fifteen or sixteen years old, but I don't recall having any of these taken. I don't recall of them.

Nothing at all.

My heart races at the sudden reality. My palms grow sweaty and a wave of dizziness hits me. It's all too much to take in. I was here, with Zade. A past I have no recollection of.

My breathing quicken, my chest constricts. Why can't I remember? I see the rest of the pictures before tossing them inside the drawer before standing up abruptly. My mind feels light and I nearly slip back onto the bed, but I manage to regain some control.

This can't be possible.

I stand still, heart heavy. It can't be. I would know if it was true. It's not true. Nothing is true.

Zade's playing with my mind, he has done before. Maybe he knows what I'm up to, maybe he put these in here so he can fuck with my mind. It doesn't makes any sense.

I would know.

I would remember if I knew him, even a part of him.

The tower. I need to go there right now. There are names on the wall, and if there's any truth. There should be my name, right there, next to Zade's, which I've seen before. I've seen his name in the room of the tower, when he bought me here first.

First.

That's the first time I came here. Never before. I don't have a memory of being here asides from these couple months.

I stumble on my steps and race out of the room, rushing downstairs and toward the front door. My mind is racing, I want it to stop. My breath comes out in short, sharp pants as I stop near the door.

"Where are you going?" Estella finds me. "I just finished preparing dinner for you, dear. You'll love it."

I purse my lips and slowly turn to see her. I can't ask her, I can't—not until I'm sure if it's the truth or if it's Zade playing around with me.

"I—I need to go to the tower. Please." I beg her.

"Why? It's cold up there."

"I'll be fine. I just need to find something I might have left there. Just a few minutes. Can I go?" I ask her and she grows confused as I've never asked her anything before.

She nods after a moment. "Come back quick."

The uncertainty gnaws me as the cool night air hits my face. I rush into the tower behind the house and race up the stairs. Reaching the top, I pause, taking a moment to gather myself before I step into the room.

When I finally do, it feels cold and abandoned.

I look around for a split second before entering. The wall near to the door has Zade's name on it, I've seen it before and I assumed right when I thought there was someone else's name.

Because there is.

It's my name. The letters are faint, partially scratched but there's no mistaking it. Right beneath Zade's name, carved in the same child-like scrawl, is my name.

A sob catches in my throat as I trace my fingers over the rough wall. My mind spins, trying to remember the truth with my clouded memories.

I can't be his torment, I can't be the woman in those letters, I can't be his lost love because I don't know him. I didn't knew him until that very night he came to attack the pack I was in. I didn't knew him before that.

My mind has no memories.

Hot tears sting my eyes, blurring my vision. I stand back up, placing my mouth over my hand to stifle my sobs.

I knew nothing about him. About us. About myself.

I feel betrayed. By him. By my own mind.

Nausea swells within me, and I move my hand away from my mouth. I feel lost, completely lost. I can't process this.

Estella was right—his past will scare me. Zade was right—I can't handle it knowing it.

I should've stopped, I shouldn't have come here, I shouldn't gone so far to know what it was about him, about his past.

With shaky hands, I wipe away the tears from my cheeks. The skin over my hair rises as I breathe heavily while staring onto the names on the wall. My name. I didn't see it. It was a puzzle to me when I first saw it.

How is it possible?

The door flings open and Zade walks in. I step away from the wall and lower my hands to the side. His eyes find mine instantly, and his brows furrow in confusion.  

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