Why, father? Why?
I keep trying to be all that mother asks, while keeping my own sanity.
I keep trying to please everyone, while still holding onto my own morals.
I try to keep my emotions in check, while not hiding all emotions causing them to bottle up.
I try to make sure that everyone else is happy when I'm constantly being walked all over.
I try to hope for someone that will whisk me away and keep me happy and content but I-
I cannot keep living like this. It causes too much internal and external pain. Headaches, panic attacks, anxiety, overthinking, paranoia. Why? Why am I feeling this bad? Why is my life like this? Was I not a good enough daughter to you father? Was I not a good enough christian? Am I not enough? Why don't you love me? Everyone says, "God loves all of his children." Then why not love me? Because if you did love me I wouldn't be broken down over and over again by these humans on Earth. Father come let me be with you and the angels. Take my life, let me leave Earth, right now. Oh mighty father I beg and plead, let me come home. I cannot do this anymore. I have the most amazing friendships on Earth but I am hurt by those who say they love me. Love I am beginning to see as fickle, as absent minded, as daggers to the heart. Love is not how it should be anymore. If I were to love my future children the way I've been receiving this so-called "love" I would strike a dagger through my back, side, and temples. I have been told I will do great things but I wish to come home. I am dying over and over for people who don't deserve it. If I am as heavenly as you since all of your children are made in your image I want to come home. I want to play among the endless heavenly fields. There is no place on Earth as heavenly as your garden of eden. I am at a loss in this world and know I don't belong. I have fulfilled my duties and have done everything I can think of. I beg you, let me return home. I know I won't be missed here. Let me pass safely in my sleep tonight and let me rejoin you and the rest of the angels. Everything is in line here on Earth. My parents have the means to pay for my proper burial shall they choose. My death may bring them sorrow but only for a brief second. Then they will be on with their lives. My mother won't have to argue with me anymore. My step dad won't have to fight any longer. My sister will have her own room for a change. My brother will have a better older sister to look up to other than me. Not to mention he won't have to feel like he won't have friends because of me. My aunt and grandma won't have chaos in their house because of me. And I will finally be laid to rest and not have to worry about a thing. It is a win for everyone. And Mia and Mariah, oh dear friends of mine. They will have the worst of it but I know they'd find peace in not having to hear about everything that's gone wrong in my life anymore and they'll move on from me. My death will be a mere blip in their lives.
