Could Have

Chapter 13: Yes and No

June 13th, 2008

The end of the school year was nearing and I was glad to be done with the year.
April had brought on an onslaught of unwanted male attention. However, I admit it was great for my ego but it broke little pieces of my soul to know that it was for all the wrong reasons. After  blocking and deleting Ty, I had kept my head down and put my energy into school work and Leadership. I wanted to find a job for the summer and begin looking into what college I actually wanted to attend in the next year. I didn't want to give myself time to think about anything or anyone else.
The only problem was that Callie was itching to get a boyfriend and would constantly assess any boy who even showed a little interest in her. I didn't blame her though, some days it felt like I would explode from hormones surging through my brain. It almost felt like a disease with how badly my body begged to be touched and kissed.... I recalled the feeling of lips against mine and they always seemed to belong to Kalen.

"Um, earth to Kiera," Callie snapped her fingers in front of my face. I had zoned out in a lusty day dream. We were in the middle of planning the end of the year assembly and award ceremony with my Leadership group.

I did my absolute best not to think about him... but again, summer was here and I was already failing the ultimate test of having every little thing remind me of Kalen.

"You're zoning out again," Callie tapped my arm.

"My bad," I mumbled, snapping back to reality. I picked up my pen ready to take notes.

"Have you made plans?" Callie asked.

"For the award order?" I referenced the mock-up itinerary for the pamphlet we were supposed to create for the Award Ceremony.

"Your Birthday!?" Callie gawked.

I really hadn't put any thought into my birthday. I wasn't feeling motivated to make plans for myself.  I felt like turning 16 was supposed to be a huge deal, but it just didn't feel like a big deal. I didn't really feel like a 'big deal'.

"I haven't put much thought into it," I shrugged. The idea of having a party seemed exhausting. I had eased back on going to parties, mostly because I was only familiar with Ty's party friends. The extent of my social circle was a bunch of nose to the grindstone overachievers that were dying for an opportunity to blow off steam. I didn't want an excuse to blow off steam. I had been keeping it together really well but I could feel myself cracking under the pressure of pretending not to care.

"You're seriously not having a Birthday party?" Callie sounded annoyed and angry with me.

"I never said that," I wasn't sure how much of Callie's wrath I could take, "I just haven't thought about it..."

"Well, what about your mom? She must have started planning something," Callie said, reassuring herself more than me.

"Actually, she is pretty busy with my brother's graduation..." I hadn't wanted to pressure my Mom with questions about my birthday when she was absorbed in trying to make everything perfect for Cole's last month as a senior.

"Fine. I'll take care of it," Callie slammed her books closed and took a deep breath.

"What?" I stared at her shaking my head 'no'.

"Tomorrow is your Birthday, it's a Friday, I have plenty of time to figure something out," Callie said bluntly.

"Please, don't." I half-begged knowing it was pointless.

"Too late, I got your back babe," Callie winked at me. She started casually calling me 'babe' because she knew how much I loathed it. Callie stood up and took off leaving me to stare after her in disbelief.


June 13th 2008

Buzz.
  Buzz.
    Buzz.
My eyes fluttered open to the sound of my phone buzzing against my bedside table. I could see the light illuminating my alarm clock.

"1 o'clock in the morning?" I whispered as I grabbed my phone and flipped it open, "what the hell..." I sighed thinking Callie must have waited up all night to be the first to wish me a happy birthday.

Kalen: Happy Birthday

I stared at his name.
I hadn't seen it in so long and now I regretted not having deleted his number from my phone. I swallowed hard as I could feel a lump of resentment choke me.
I snapped my phone shut and decided I would have enough impulse control to wait until morning to respond. My first instinct was to text right back but he didn't deserve my attention.
Distress bellowed in my heart. I had spent so much time repressing every memory I had of him and in a single moment it was shattered. My brain unlocked the safe I had kept secret and secure. Images of him walking down the street in that night time glow came flooding back like a tidal wave.
I squeezed my eyes shut hoping that the harder I squeezed the less I would see.
My memories vividly returned and now I could feel his skin against mine.
I took a deep breath in and reminded myself who he really was. My memories were lies and I needed to go back to sleep.
Instead, I surface slept with a film of our summer together playing on a dreamy black and white screen...

I woke up exhausted and checked the time: 7:45am.
I had already been running late and when I entered the kitchen a HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner spanned the kitchen island. I spotted a small wrapped package that sat on the counter. A cute note stuck to a special packed lunch for me.
My Mom had left for work early; her note promised that she would take me out for a special dinner and we could plan a party together if I wanted, but only after the craziness of the graduation week was over.
I quickly tore open the package and was ecstatic to see a new iphone. A little note pinned to the box read: use the cord inside and transfer your phone contacts and number - guy at the store said it should only take a couple minutes!
I checked the time again, I had a couple minutes to spare - I could always just blame the bus for being late.

After setting up my new phone I raced out the door. It started buzzing with a stream of 'Happy Birthday' texts from friends and family. I stared at the shiny new phone screen and tapped it awake. I skimmed the incoming messages.

Kalen's message sat at the bottom of the list still unanswered.

I continued to walk down my street, the street we had walked down so many times together and finally it came to me how I would answer his text.

Kiera: Thanks :) but... who is this?

He didn't need to know that I couldn't bring myself to delete his number.
In an instant, I received an answer.

Kalen: I'll give you three guesses ;)

I hated how cocky he was. Even he doesn't think he's easy to forget. I rolled my eyes imagining his mischievous grin. Fine, I decided I'd play along.

Kiera: Am I allowed to ask for hints?

I put my phone away as I ran to catch the bus.

////////////

As I arrived at school I felt my phone buzz against my leg. I paused outside the school and took out my phone. I looked around as the final morning bell ring and the last couple of grade eight and nines ran inside.
I looked at my phone.

Kalen: Only yes or no questions, fair?

I looked around contemplating whether I should go to class right away. I didn't want to be distracted by texts from Kalen. I decided I would just get the conversation out of the way and then get to class. I sat down on the nearest bench and began texting.

Kiera: Fair...

I wanted him to think I had forgotten his existence. I wanted him to feel as unimportant as he made me feel... I quickly typed.

Kiera: Are you one of my cousins?

Instant response:

Kalen: I really hope not. Next.

Next? What to ask next... I wonder if he knew Ty and I had broken up. How would I figure that out without asking him directly...

Kiera: Ty, seriously stop messing with me.

Kalen: Definitely not that loser. Next.

The satisfaction and irony was glaringly obvious. Next? What to ask next...

Kalen: Last guess, you should probably try the yes or no questions...

The whole situation felt stupid and yet I couldn't put my phone down.

Kiera: Fine. Do I know you?

Kalen: More than you know.

What game was he playing?? I could feel myself caving.

Kiera: I thought these were supposed to be Yes or No questions?

Kalen: My bad. Yes.

Kiera: Do you live here?

Kalen: Not anymore... I mean, No.

Well if I didn't figure it out by now he would be suspicious. I took a deep breath in and decided to make the most of this game.

Kiera: hmmm you kinda sound like a shitty person... Do you identify as a complete asshole?

Kalen: Absolutely. Trying to be better.

Agreed. I couldn't picture him ever redeeming himself and so why did I continue to text him back?

Kiera: Doesn't sound like you're sorry though... are you?

Kalen: Yes. 100%. Times like, a thousand.

I wanted him to beg for my forgiveness, but I couldn't bring myself to type that.

Kiera: I don't know if a thousand is enough.

Kalen: Agreed. How about a million?

Kiera: I thought I was supposed to be the one asking the questions.

I needed more than just an apology, I didn't want to trust him but my heart felt a coldness begin to thaw. The heat of early summer thickened over the school grounds. I stood up from the bench and sat on the grass in the shade of a tree. I made myself comfortable and buckled up for an actual honest conversation.

Kalen: Fair, ask away.

Kiera: Are you still with her?

Kalen: It's complicated.

I didn't see anything complicated about dumping someone as manipulative as Melanie.

Kiera: What's complicated about it?

Kalen: That is definitely not a yes or no question...

Kiera: Fine, I'll play by the rules.

I had one last question that was scratching at the vault in my brain, begging to be asked. I didn't think I would be diving into 16 feet first, no regrets.

Kiera: Do you ever think of me?

Kalen: Maybe sometimes, maybe too much... I mean, yes.

My heart beat sped up and now I wanted to know everything. I wanted to ask him a million questions about everything that had happened in the last couple months. I needed him to hear my side of the story about what happened.

I noticed out of the corner of my eye a faculty member had come outside to round-up the smoke pit stragglers.
I pocketed my phone and headed inside the school.

In the last year I had waited hours, days and months for Kalen to respond to me, to acknowledge me. I smirked; now it was his turn to stare at his phone waiting for a response.

I walked down the hall and around the corner to see my locker plastered with party decorations. In white board marker were little notes from Callie, Lena, Avery and other classmates from my leadership group wishing me a sweet 16.

It felt nice not to be forgotten.