Could Have

Chapter 6: Cue Laugh Track

September 3rd, 2007

The night before school I found myself unable to sleep. I kept replaying over and over in my head every possible scenario that could happen so I wouldn't be caught off guard-- so I wouldn't look stupid or worse, accidentally cry.

August had come and gone. I thought that I was going to see him one last time. I thought he wanted to see me one last time. It was too much for my brain to figure out. The only thing I felt like I could do was just shut down. So, I shut myself in for the last week of the summer.

And now I was forced to go to school...
A school that didn't have him in it anymore.

I considered the best case scenario. In my daydreams: he never moved away and the minute he sees me at school his face lights up and we run towards each other. In my daydreams: he kisses me and apologizes profusely. In my daydreams: he and I walk hand in hand down the hall.

I shake my head like an etch-a-sketch. I hit the invisible reset button in my head multiple times. This weird hope had been my downfall the past week.

I had to stop considering the best case scenario and keep reminding myself I was in the worst case scenario:

It was the night before I entered grade 11.
I was completely forgotten about by the boy of my dreams.
I meant nothing to nobody.

I felt an anger sit in my chest as I thought about having let Kalen rule my entire summer. Suddenly, I felt like I had wasted so much time...

Wasted waiting for a boy that never called, never texted or even sent me a message on any social media platform. It was like Kalen had died. Or worse, it was as if he had never actually existed.

Did I ever cross his mind?

I know I thought about him way too much.

I rolled over in bed and pushed aside my curtains covering the window beside my bed. I looked up and could see the stars outside. My mind wandered back to the thought of Kalen and I, laying next to each other on the beach.

Would I be stuck thinking about him every time I looked up at the starry night sky?
I closed my eyes and hoped not.

September 4th 2007

The first day of school and I found myself just going through the motions: showered, got dressed, did my makeup, made my lunch.
Caught the bus.
Checked my new schedule.
Checked my new classes.
Reconnected with friends I hadn't seen all summer.
All the while keeping a keen eye out from torn jeans and a gorgeous head of sun-bleached hair.

All the while trying to figure out what I should do in case he hadn't moved and just showed up at school.

I met up with Callie who didn't mind me being quieter than usual. We headed to leadership class together to start planning for school events that were coming up.

It didn't matter how much I liked my classes or how much I socialized... In the back of my mind I kept an eye out for any sign of Kalen. I kept expecting him to round a corner or suddenly appear in one of my classes.

By the end of the day I was exhausted from waiting to see him or maybe even hear from him.

I was ready to go home and crash on my bed. At the last bell, I grabbed my backpack and raced for the bus.

It felt like slow-motion as I ran past Devon in front of the school. I hit the brakes and whirled around to face Devon.

"Hey!" I snapped. Devon didn't stop walking the opposite way.

"Hey! Devon!" I yelled, just in case he had headphones in.

"Huh?" Devon took out one of his headphones and turned back towards me.

"Hey," I said as I walked back to him. He looked at me as if he had never seen me before and had no idea who I was.

"Have you seen Kalen?" I began and then Devon's face scrunched up and he nodded.

"Ah, yeah, he moved last week," Devon shrugged.

"Oh," I felt out of body, like I was watching myself on TV.
Cue the laugh track.
Cue the sad music.
I felt like the stupidest girl in the world.
How could I have been so unbelievably naive?
How could he not take a second to let me know he was back.
He obviously didn't want to see me again.
The whole summer was obviously just one big joke to him.
I could feel my eyes well up with tears.

"Thanks," I said softly and turned to walk towards the bus that had pulled up.

//////////////////////////////////

The whole bus ride home I ruminated. I thought about every moment we had spent together and my hurricane of emotions settled on feeling unbearable pain and rage.
I felt like I was vibrating from the inside out.
The butterflies that had lived inside my tummy for so long were now on fire in a screaming tornado and it made me feel sick.

As soon as I got home I went straight to the computer and sat down.

I opened his Nxpage and began to write a scathing private message:

 I thought you were going to call me when you got home... I thought I was going to see you once before you left. I guess you're just a liar and you've completely wasted my time. You're an asshole and a coward. I waited for nothing. You are nothing to me.

I had no idea if my words would hurt Kalen as much as I wanted them to. I felt like if he actually ever read them he wouldn't care. Would he even read them?
Would he respond?
I hadn't seen him online since he had left-- or maybe, Kalen had blocked me.
Maybe, this had been his plan the whole time.
I felt used, forgotten and like I was nothing.

Tears began to well in my eyes and I didn't stop them from falling.