Could Have

Chapter 3: Offline

July 25th 2007

Depression is a funny thing. Depression is unsuspecting and sneaky in the sense where one moment I think I'm just sad but suddenly three days have passed and I haven't wanted to leave my room. I know I was more so bed bound because my incision was still fresh.

I had to take it easy but taking it easy for me equaled laziness.

I hated being lazy or feeling lazy, I very much based my worth on my productivity. During the school year I indulged in as many extra curricular activities that I didn't have too much time alone to think. Overthinking was my enemy and it was honestly my biggest fear to be left alone for too long inside my own head. Yet, here I was bed bound, stuck without anything to entertain me but the TV.

My friends were at the beach. I only knew from pictures that were posted and not from anyone actually inviting me. Actually, not one of my friends had phoned or texted to check in on me even though I had texted each one to let them all know I was recovering from surgery.

I flicked through the channels on TV trying to cope with the heavy lump of loneliness that sat in my throat.

My parents were at work and my older brother had free range of the house so that meant I only saw him if I desperately needed something and I couldn't get up. A stale peanut butter sandwich, painkillers and a glass of water sat on my bedside table.

I looked at my phone laying next to me on my bed willing someone to reach out to me.

The person who I wanted the most to check on me was Kalen. It had now felt like almost two full weeks since I had last seen him. I couldn't remember how he smelled, how he tasted, how he smiled.

A week and a half in teenage years felt like a century in real time.

Painkillers were the only vice I had that gave my brain any relief. It wasn't just the incision that hurt but honestly I felt like I could feel my heart strained every time Kalen popped into my head... which was almost 23 out of 24 hours in the day.

I took two more pain killers and drank the rest of my water in hopes of at least giving my overthinking, over analyzing brain, some actual relief.

I laid back and closed my eyes. Of course, I immediately settled into the memory of him holding my hand for the first time....

He agreed to meet me and my friend up at the mall and he would bring one of his friends.
As much as we lived in a medium sized town the mall was basically the only place that our parents would let us hang out unattended.

My friend, Beth, was supposed to be there for support when really I suspected that she was there just to meet his friend, Cody.

Beth and I looked in and out of stores until I felt my phone buzz in my bag.

Kalen: Here

I instantly felt a wave of nervous iciness hit my fingers. I looked up from my phone and around the lower level of the mall.

Kalen rounded the corner with Cody. I instantly recognized Cody with his skater hoodie with torn thumb-holes in the sleeves. I had seen him when I passed the smoke pit at school.

Kalen met my gaze and he quickly looked down. Was he blushing?

We spent the day wandering in and out of the shops. Trying on silly hats or scarves, daring each other to do something stupid like try on the wrong size shoes or ask for a product the store definitely did not carry.

Kalen tried sneakily whispering something to Cody while we loitered in SportWorks. Cody grabbed Beth's hand and took off out of the store toward the food court. Beth checked back at me and made a confused face.