Could Have

Chapter 7: Green Dot

October 8th 2007

I had managed to keep my schedule full and my brain busy.
I joined as many extra curricular activities at school as possible.
MY current project was helping to plan the Halloween dance.

It was Monday and I was in a meeting with my Leadership group to finish making and putting up posters around the school advertising the Halloween Dance.

I tried to stay after school as much as I could in order to have less time alone. Anything that would help keep me from being left alone to overthink, I committed to.

A group of the leadership team were held up in an empty classroom. I was immersed in dark puffy paint and black glitter creating posters. The other half of the team were mapping out decorations in the gymnasium.

I could hear hollers and guys laughing down the hallway.

We all stopped painting and looked up at the classroom doorway only to see a group of guys passing. They jumped on top of each other and fake punched each other as they went by.

"Detention just got out," Lena, one of the older Leadership team members said as she rolled her eyes.

"Typical," I replied as we watched the parade of miscreants causing the loud disturbance--

A dark haired boy who I recognized from my History class caught my eye. He stared back at me with dark brooding eyes, his eyebrow ring glinted; he then stopped dead in his tracks.

 I recognized another guy, Lyle, as a loudmouth from my English Class. He hung back and popped his head in the doorway.

"I didn't know they did arts and crafts after school!" Lyle said with a baby voice. I looked up and noticed a pot leaf bandana tied around his neck-- most likely the cause for detention.

"It's Leadership idiot," Lena snapped back.
 
"Not very leader-like of you," playfully pouted Lyle.

"Piss off," Lena rolled her eyes.

"Oh please," Lyles' eyes lit up like he had just accepted the challenge and he crossed the threshold. He stalked towards Lena and the poster paint, "Ooh, what's this? So artistic."

"It's for the Halloween dance, not that you've ever attended a dance here I'm sure," Avery, Lena's friend, said as he threw a judgemental glare at the boys.

"Maybe I'll have to pop my dance virginity this Friday, you'd love that wouldn't you?" Lyle winked at Avery.

"Gross, you wish," Avery said disgustedly.

I laughed with the other team members and looked back down at my project.

I could feel my fingers go cold and tingly-- a familiar feeling. I shot my gaze up and noticed that the dark haired guy was still staring at me through the door. He hadn't moved since he stopped in his tracks.
I felt his dark brooding gaze settle on me.

"Guess I'll see you there," Lyle grabbed a container of glitter and threw it up in the air. He turned and darted out the door yelling, "Come on Ty!"

Everyone cringed at the falling glitter.

The dark haired guy, Ty, softly smiled and then casually leaned in the doorway.

"I am so sorry for his behaviour, we're looking into it," a mischievous smirk stained his face and he looked back up at me and winked, "see you at the dance."

I was frozen. I hadn't thought of anyone even remotely being interested in me since...

"The audacity of those guys, they are so entitled," Lena sighed angrily as she shook glitter from her shirt and hair.

"Yeah, starved for attention I guess," I said trying not to smile as I lifted my poster to shake out the excess glitter that had fallen on it.

I got a chill up my spine and noticed goosebumps on my arm. I shivered a little and Avery looked over at me. I shook the tingle off.

"Oh, you know what that means," he said slyly.

"What?" I asked.

"Someones thinking about you," Avery teased.

"Sure," I said sarcastically, even though immediately I thought of Kalen.
I wondered if he ever thought of me.
I tried so damn hard not to get lost in the memories of him-- the comfort of being in his arms, the summer sun and midnight moons we shared.
In the late night when I couldn't sleep was the only time I would allow my mind to wander and dwell on his memory...

"It's just a myth but apparently that's what getting goosebumps means: someone special is thinking about you... I just wish I would get goosebumps," Avery giggled and handed Lena some more paint.

I smiled softly but inside I was trying to re-calibrate.

In the doorway appeared Callie and she was almost out of breath.

"He's online," Callie stared wide-eyed at me.

I had cracked recently and spilled some of what had happened over the summer to Callie. She had been very understanding and turned out to be a great support.
I had started to spend so much time in leadership that I just naturally strayed away from Beth and Alexis as they were more concerned with their own love lives and getting invited to parties. Callie and I had become really close through our love of keeping busy.
She had become extra protective of me as of late and we had been watching Kalen's social media profiles, like a hawk, for any sign of movement.

"I told you so," Avery smirked.

"Whatever," I shrugged trying to look calm and cool. I took a breath and added, "thank you for running down here to tell me though."

Callie stared surprised at me and nodded in approval. Hopefully my "whatever" was convincing enough because my stomach was turned upside down and my feet were wanting to run home and hop online.

"Care to share?" Lena came over and nudged me sharing a curious glance with Callie.

"It's nothing and not important," I continued to paint. Even though I was trying to casually see what time it was and if there was a bus coming soon.

"Please," whined Avery.

"I would be wasting my breath, believe me," I said coldly as I put the final touches on my poster. The clock on the wall had told me it was time to catch my bus. I gently put my paintbrush down.

"I'm all done actually and have to catch my bus. I'll see you tomorrow!" I reached for my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I smiled and walked towards the door.

"Oh, booo!" hollered Avery after me.

Callie looked me over as I stood in front of her. She blocked the doorway and squinted inquisitively at me, "are you sure you're okay?"

I stopped and met Callie's eyes nodding, 'yes' like it was no big deal. Callie shrugged and nodded again in approval.

"Talk to you later," Callie moved to the side and let me pass.

As soon as I was out of her view, I sprinted to the bus stop.

////////////////////////////////////////

The bus ride felt like torture.
I sat bouncing my legs counting down the stops until mine finally came up.

As soon as I got in the front door of my house, I quickly exchanged pleasantries with my Mom and passed my big brother, Ben, in the living room.

"Do you want to come grab yourself some dinner?" my mom asked from the kitchen.

"I just have to start some homework, I'll grab it soon!" I raced down the hallway towards my room.

I dove into my bed and opened my laptop.

My screen lit up and I quickly signed in to Msnger.

There was Kalen's name staring back at me with a green dot next to it telling me he was finally, after all this time, online.

I contemplated clicking on his name and starting a conversation with him.

What would I say?

Did he ever read the message I sent on Nxpage?

I decided to wait and see if he would message me first.

I waited for 5 minutes and bit my nails in anticipation.

I decided I couldn't wait any longer. I didn't care if I came across as desperate, needy, sad or stupid.
All I wanted to do was talk to him, be connected to him in some way even if it was for a couple seconds over the internet.
I didn't want him to know how much I was still hurting. I didn't want to let on that I felt crazy for thinking I meant something.
I felt anxiety creeping under my skin as I clicked on his name and opened up a new chat box.

Kiera: Hi

I watched as the bottom of the window read: Kalen is writing back...

Kalen: Hi

Hi? That was it?
I stopped and questioned whether I even wanted to continue talking to him. He obviously didn't value me in any way shape or form and yet here I was glued to my computer screen aching for connection.

Kiera: How's Carrisdale treating you?

What I really wanted to tell him was that I missed him.
I wanted to yell at him that I hated him.
My heart was this patched up thing living in my body and I could feel the stitches coming apart with every second I waited for his response.

Kalen: Shitty... It's not as far as it seems though.

I stared at his answer.
He was not having a good time and that made me happy.
What does he mean by 'it's not as far as it seems'. The bottom of the chat box read: Kalen is typing...

 Kalen: I saw your msg btw on my nxpage.

Kiera: Did you actually read it?

I couldn't believe he actually saw my message; he never responded so I assumed he was ignoring me. I assumed I was nothing and he had decided to just forget me.

Kalen: Yeah... I am sorry, you know.

Two months too late and here is the apology I had been waiting for. Lackluster and somehow I was angrier than I had been when I wasn't hearing from him at all.

Kiera: I find that hard to believe... but thanks.

Kalen: You deserved better and I hope you're doing well.

I did deserve better but I didn't want him to tell me that. I wanted Kalen to tell me he was just as heartbroken as I was. I also didn't want him to know I was heartbroken still.  I didn't want him to see me as weak, I didn't want him to know how badly I had let him get under my skin.

Kiera: thanks, I am.

Kalen: cool, ttyl

The short exchange was over and the green dot next to his name turned red indicating he was offline.

I wanted to scream and cry and throw my computer out of my window. The tornado of butterflies that lived in my stomach felt like they were smoldering.

"It was just a stupid summer fling, it was nothing, get over yourself," I whispered out loud to my empty room.

I felt a sear in my heart as if it was breaking all over again. A burning at the back of my throat told me to cry but I gulped it down hard.