Could Have

Chapter 10: Dorm Party

February 24th, 2008

I had been spending less and less time at home.  It was normal for me to be busy but I took any excuse for me to not stay home alone in my room.

I started to break away from responsibilities and extracurricular activities at school that I normally found joy in.
I focused on doing PR for events at school with leadership and less on the actual planning.

My Mother noticed the shift in my attitude and motivation. She suggested that maybe I take the opportunity to see the school counselor.
 For a brief moment, I thought about opening up. I quickly reminded myself that it was pathetic to see a counselor for a broken heart; I just needed time and more distractions.

I started going out to parties every other weekend with Ty and Lyle.

Callie wasn't as eager as I was to take part in the weekend party scene.

Callie and Lyle had become a situationship and refused to label it anything more. It made me mad because Callie deserved better to be treated far better than what Lyle offered.
I would watch Lyle flirt with other girls at parties and wonder if Callie was really okay with being just an option to him. She reassured me that she didn't really care and she was using Lyle just as much as he was using her. Callie reminded me that she needed to stay focused on her priorities: prospective colleges and universities.

I wish I was able to compartmentalize my life as well as she could.

Instead of focusing on what I wanted my graduating year to look like, I had willingly jumped into the trap Kalen had set for me:
I had began speaking to Melanie on Msnger.

She was kind, motivated and fiery... I hated that I couldn't actually hate her. Sure, there were things about her that I didn't like but she seemed determined to be my friend.

Somehow she was worth the distance for Kalen, and I was still figuring out why. That stinging sensation inside me was determined to find out.

Melanie and I hadn't met in person yet. She had started her first semester in March at the Interior University in Carmine.
However, she had asked me questions about places to shop and eat in town.

It didn't hurt that I also frequently was given insight into her and Kalen's relationship.

I guess he had alluded to him and I being "good" friends. He never mentioned that we were at one point much more than friends... I didn't know if he was doing it for self preservation or the fact that he wanted to keep me a secret... or worse, that he never considered me anything important.

Kalen would often vent to me about Melanie and for a while I felt like we were developing a real friendship. He would ask me questions about Ty because I wasn't as willing to volunteer information, but would happily answer any questions he would ask--

It honestly made me feel like he actually cared about how I was being treated. Something in the way he messaged me made me wonder if it bothered him now that I wasn't his.

I would never admit that Ty was just a rebound; someone to fill my time and keep me from overthinking.

In the solace of night I found myself often floating back on the thoughts of being in Kalen's arms. Some nights I'd fight it, and other times I'd let my mind wander.

March 21st, 2008

It was nearing halfway through my second semester. I was sitting on my bed, bored, on a Friday night deciding what I should do.

Ty had invited me over but I was getting tired of going to his house only to watch him and Lyle drink and play video games.

I stared at my computer and contemplated doing homework.