Review Shop - Quotev And Wattpad (CLOSED)

Through Thick And Thin - Detailed Feedback

I also like the way he talks and tries to manipulate Lena in his opening scene in particular, but also throughout the entire novel. I know exactly what his personality is from his very first line of dialogue, and making a character's personality clear that early shows strong writing and a good grasp on character. As a character writer myself, I always appreciate it when there are little details added to make the characters feel more real, especially when it comes to dialogue as it's one of the most important parts of characterization, in my opinion.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this and had a blast trying to piece the themes together and come up with my own interpretations of your words!

~~~

What Didn't Work:

I would suggest being careful about where you're using adverbs and which adverbs you're using. There were many times you'd use words like barely and gently and I felt they weren't necessary. I'd suggest plugging the text into Microsoft Word and/or Google Docs and using the find & replace tool to search up -ly. In my opinion, you can eliminate quite a few words ending with -ly. I only say that because adverbs are telling over showing, so as much as they're fine to use, any area where you can cut down on them could be beneficial to the overall narrative.

While on the topic of things I felt were overused, I felt you could have used less semicolons. I'm not saying don't use semicolons, but most writers advise against using them too much because they overcomplicate sentences. It can also potentially lead to purple prose, though I do not think you write purple prose. I'm only bringing it up since semicolons are often used in purple prose.

Along with that, using semicolons too often almost always results in errors. You have semicolon and editing errors. When I say editing errors, I mean minor mistakes that were likely missed in the editing process. Chapter 4 has a few of them, like an ellipse being two dots instead of three with "A.. a deal?" and breathe being spelled as breath in the beginning. Here's a semicolon error, also from chapter 4: "I was sure he saw the gears in my head turning; as he flicked his wrist near his belly, and violet sparks encircled it." The semicolon is an error and shouldn't be there. I ran that sentence through two grammar checkers to be sure, and both said it should be removed.

My main suggestion is to consider slowing down and giving scenes more scene and less summary. By that I mean, you often summarize what happens in a scene instead of showing it. Here are examples: In chapter 1, you summarize Lena's visit with her patient. In chapter 2, you summarize her appointment with the OBGYN. In the last chapter, you summarize what happens after Cosmos comes and say they had a long talk consisting of several small fights. I also agree with what another commenter said about having more transitional description, that way the audience has a chance to process what's going to happen before it happens.

I suggest slowing down for that same reason: give readers a chance to process what's going on and feel the tension. The chapters are, on average, about 6 minutes long, with many of them being in the 5-7 minute range. You definitely have the room to add more if you wanted to without making it go over 10 minutes, which is the about the average chapter length on Wattpad.

So if you want to keep the chapters shorter, you can still do that. What I'm recommending is instead of writing summary, incorporate more dialogue, incorporate more of the five senses, give us more thought processes while these things are happening, etc.

Due to this, we're missing some vital character information. I don't think Lena speaks at all (in dialogue) until chapter 4, which is a long time to go without knowing what the protagonist sounds like. How does she speak? What is her speech style? What does she do while speaking (play with her hair, fiddle with her fingers, talk with her hands, etc.)? You don't need to answer all of those questions or even one of them, but they are worth considering since dialogue tells us a lot about a character, and it also sets the scene more since it shows immediacy.

In general, slowing down could be a good idea not just because you'll show us more about the characters, but also because you're giving them a chance to feel tension. If actions are happening rather quickly, we don't get a chance to process what's happening and really feel the dread as we wonder what's going to happen to our beloved characters. So that's the main reason I suggest slowing down: to give the readers more tension. I hope that makes sense!

~~~

Summary:

- Interesting story idea

- Lena is an engaging protagonist

- Complex themes + lots to think about while reading

- Cosmos has a clear personality

- Be careful with adverbs

- Be careful with semicolons

- Consider slowing down and giving scenes more scene and less summary

~~~

Overall:

Through Thick And Thin hits the nail on the head for many complex emotions surrounding pregnancy and motherhood, and it does it in a way that feels entertaining to read and gripping from the very first chapter. If you are someone who enjoys stories that cover darker, more complex topics, then this is the perfect story for you!

~~~

Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop opens again.

~~~

I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad may be removing pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.