Review Shop - Quotev And Wattpad (CLOSED)

A Ballad of Falling Light - Detailed Feedback

The last thing I'd like to talk about is the plot. For starters, it starts strong by giving us an elaborate game. It's almost like the characters are playing with one another. In other words, they're playing a game of chess with the war, but the far more important game of chess seems to be the one happening between them. They know information about one another without them needing to talk. This nonverbal communication is vital to a reader's engagement to a narrative. Like I mentioned earlier, you don't spoonfeed your audience; you give us room to understand the different layers within the characters. That leads to the plot feeling more compelling because we care about the world and characters. Not only that, but it's unique and definitely has the fantasy feel. Overall, very solid job.

I lied, I have one more thing to say: the grammar is very good. I didn't notice any consistent grammar or spelling errors. Probably some of the best grammar/spelling I've ever seen on Wattpad.

~~~

What Didn't Work:

I would like to start by saying I have no problem with long paragraphs, and I myself write them, though I would recommend downsizing on how many are used. There are times we'll have giant paragraphs several times in a row. And when I say giant, I mean to the point where it takes up my entire screen. While people define long paragraphs differently, I tend to view them as anything longer than 8 lines (not sentences), and there are many times we'll have paragraphs that are 10+ lines back to back.

This is already a really complex and fantastical story, and I admire that, though anything you can do to increase readability so we can get more invested in the world faster could help. Part of readability is long paragraphs, and if there are too many, especially back to back, it can get hard to read and it really wears on the reader's stamina. It can make them feel tired after reading since we aren't given as many breaks. The point of breaking paragraphs up is to give readers a break and a chance to process what they just read, so if you're not giving them that break too often, then it can also harm their understanding of what you just said in the paragraph.

The same applies to long sentences, though I don't think the long sentences are nearly as consistent or as big a deal as the long paragraphs. As long as the sentences make sense and aren't too long back to back, I think they're fine. I just thought I'd bring it up in case you were wondering if my opinion applies to long sentences too. I definitely didn't notice long sentences as much as I noticed the paragraphs, so I think the sentences are overall fine as is.

I hope when I break it down like that, it makes sense why having so many long paragraphs was a bit hard to follow, but I can explain further if needed!

My main recommendation is to give dialogue more space. This ties into my last point about long paragraphs. Sometimes you'll have a paragraph that's 10+ lines long, then in the middle of it or at the end of it, there's dialogue. It makes the dialogue feel lost and a little random, in my opinion. I would suggest keeping dialogue separated from long paragraphs. You can have paragraphs and dialogue together as long as it's related to the dialogue, though the longer the paragraph, the more you risk the dialogue being forgotten and lost in the sea of words.

While on the topic of dialogue, sometimes you have fluff words in the dialogue that makes the lines a little longer than they have to be. It's not a huge deal, but for flow purposes, it could be worth considering removing those words. For example, from chapter two, "The commanding officers have created a plan that will have us all killed."

In that sentence, I'm referring to the first "have." The sentence meaning won't change with or without it, so having (no pun intended) it in there isn't necessary, in my opinion. I would also say using "get" instead of "have" for the second "have" may sound more natural. So it would look like this: "The commanding officers created a plan that will get us [all] killed." I also think the "all" is optional, but either way it sounds fine.

To summarize, sometimes you'll have those fluff/filler words that don't need to be there since they don't add to the dialogue, that's why I'd recommend removing them where you see fit. I use TTS to have the text read back to me and that helps a lot with flow and removing words that don't need to be there, so that's a general suggestion if you think that could help your work flow. However, I encourage you to find what works for you and your writing style!

~~~

Summary:

- Cool worldbuilding

- Good writing style

- Solid balance of telling and showing

- Unique and interesting plot

- Be careful with long paragraphs

- Consider giving more space for dialogue to breathe

- Be careful with fluff/filler words in dialogue

~~~

Overall:

A Ballad of Falling Light is a complex narrative with countless fantastical elements and factions to attach yourselves to. If you are someone who enjoys apply fics and fantasy storylines, then this is the perfect book for you.

~~~

Thank you for submitting your story. Please let me know if you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop opens again.

~~~

I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad may be removing pms. Even if they aren't, you never know with them.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.