If It's With You

022- Not him

Then, Julia suggested they go buy more drinks and some food for everyone. Andrew at first whined about being on a diet and shouldn’t be eating fast food but vegetables. But when Julia reminded him about the photos which he sent her. Photos of various foods Simon made for him, the type of foods which didn’t look like what someone on a diet should have. He groaned and rolled his eyes, causing me to laugh again.

Julia successfully dragged him out with her and on their way out, she gave me a nod that said, I should go for it. At first, I thought I could do it but watching the door close after them, piled up a sudden anxiety in me.

I was never the one to be scared of confrontation or communication. It was never me but right now, I was confused about what to say. We hadn’t spoken for some days and now, I didn’t know if I should start by voicing out how I felt walking into him and Ashley, or maybe wait for him to talk.

Well, the nervous me blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. “I guess we would have to wait here,” I breathed out an awkward chuckle and after those words settled in the air, I cringed.

Why did it all of a sudden feel like I didn’t know what to do? This was Nicklaus. The Nicklaus who would listen to me talk all day over a pack of pizza and some wine. But then, this Nicklaus hurt me, so wasn’t I supposed to be the one scowling?

It was dead quiet in here, in the sense that a drop of the pin would blow up like a bomb. The air was filled with awkward tension and I was searching my brain for words, when all of a sudden, his voice broke through the silence.

“Muna,” he called out, his tone deep and calm. Even though his face wasn’t holding much emotion, his eyes were screaming what he was feeling.

I bit the inside of my lips, forcing my brain not to think about the image I saw of him and Ashley.

But before he could say any more words, his ringtone suddenly filled the air causing me to jerk. A jerk that almost had my wine glass falling, but thanks to my reflex, I saved the wine which I hadn’t bothered to finish.

As I steadied the glass, my eyes shifted to Nicklaus, whose gaze was cast on his phone. And before I could look away, his eyes met mine.

“It’s work,” He said.

I nodded, “Take it.”

Nicklaus stared at me for some passing seconds, before rising to his feet and without glancing at me, he walked towards the door. When the door swung closed behind him, I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I picked up my phone from the table, but I was unaware of what to do with it. At this point, all I was thinking in my head was how we were going to talk about what happened, and then what? Do we go back to kissing or being just friends? What was I going to say? That I was jealous? That seemed embarrassing.

But then, I was beginning to acknowledge an emptiness I had ignored for the past few days. The emptiness that came with Nicklaus not being part of my life. It felt foreign and ugly.

I clicked in and out of my favourite socials, until I decided to settle on Instagram but that was cut short by the door, which was pushed open.

I snapped my face up, and everything came to an abrupt halt, including my heart. Slowly, my phone escaped my numb fingers and landed on the table.

He was here.

I blinked. It was him.

I blinked again, releasing the air that got stuck in my throat.

One last blink. I slowly rose from the seat, a slight screeching sound filling the air.

What was going on? Was I dreaming? Was this an illusion? I mean, if it was, he wouldn’t be standing here this long with his hands in his pockets while staring at me with a mix of guilt and longing. He would be smirking. It would be the very face he had on, the day he told me he didn’t regret doing what he did.