That was so stupid! why did I say that? Where'd I get the confidence to say something that ballsy?? this is so embarrassing. Blood rushes to my face the instant I send the message and I know Cara can see my embarrassment clearly by the reaction on her face.
"Girl it's okay, what's done is done" She says reassuringly, "Trust me, it'll be worth it." She nods her head with confidence, too much confidence. Why is she so sure that this was the right move? it's so embarrassing, how could I be so straight forward after he never replied back...
"I hope so" I look down in disappointment, what am I gonna do if he never replies, if he doesn't even want to see me? I'm gonna have to go back to college in shame, knowing I came here way too soon and he didn't even want me here, tears well in my eyes and emotion tightens my throat, I blink away the tears and glance at my phone solemnly.
I stare at it for a few moments, the realisation not hitting me. It takes a second but when it does my eyes widen and my heart restricts, "READ!" I pounce in Cara's direction, my smile so wide it's hurting my jaw. "HE READ IT!" We squeal and jump from the adrenaline and excitement, the shock too. We grasp each others forearms and pant as the shock wear off and wait for a message in anticipation.
We lock eyes with the screen, practically having a staring contest we both know we can't win as we wait for the arrival of Ravi's reply. The silence and suspense is killing me! I need to know what he's gonna say.. Typing.. "Eeeeee! he's typing" We bounce on our seats and quickly settle down again and focus on the phone.
The dots disappear. The mood in the room shifts as disappointment takes over, he must be overthinking it right? but what is he overthinking? His way of telling me he doesn't want to continue things with us? How can I blame him, how could I ever think he'd want me after everything I did, I probably make him sick...
"Pip!" Cara's voice distracts me from my running thoughts, my head whips to hers wondering what she's talking about, my eyes dart up and down her looking for something before they land back on hers, "What, what is it?!" I ask impatiently.
"Look!" She points at my screen and my eyes fly to the device, hope fuelling the rocket in my heart. Typing. Okay this is it, come on Ravi please. I pray to the gods that I don't deserve fortune from for their scraps as I wait in sickening silence once again, I shut my eyes tight and wait for the drowning disappointment to take me under and wash me out.
I hear Cara's soft gasp from my side and I throw my hands over my face and hold them there tight, "What is it!" I mumble under my hands in a panicked tone, "Is it bad?." My throat tightens as I try to swallow the growing anxiety working it's way up, trying to present itself to the world rather than stay hidden like I make it do.
"Look" She whispers slowly as I lower my hands cautiously and open one eye doubtfully, focusing my eyes on the screen when my heart gets lodged in my throat from overwhelming panic. I see the green text message bubble before I force myself to read the message before me, this could make or break my future.
"Im on my way :D"
Memories of our relationship ship come flooding back to me, The reminders of how well I used to know him, how often I received that very text message but in much different circumstances. We were like two peas in a pod. I loved everything about him, even down to that goofy emote he put on the end of every text, I smile softly.
"He's coming" I whisper in disbelief
"He's coming" Cara smiles at my side as I take in the news, soaking it in like a sponge until I can't take it anymore, "What do I do?" I turn to Cara, panic grasping me by the throat.
"I don't know what to do!" I shout at her in a panic, he's coming here? now? I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN TWO YEARS!! The war in my mind rages on as Cara speaks to me, "Okay go take a shower, do your hair; it'd gonna be fine! Go!" She ushers me up the stairs as my thoughts take over and put me on auto pilot, I don't even register what i'm doing anymore.
I hope in the shower and force myself to calm down, talking to him in this state is gonna make everything worse. Deep breaths in, I tell myself. I've never really been the socially awkward type, I've always been really good at conversations, especially after all the interviews I had to to do for Andie's case; But standing here, washing my hair with the warm rush of water trickling down my back. I catch myself thinking of conversation starters!
Never in my life have I had to resort to that, what is the matter with me! I groan in frustration loudly into the steam and secluded silence of the room. How did I ever think things with us could be the same again, we're gonna be like two strangers, it's gonna be so forced! No, no don't jinx it Pip, positive thoughts only, I force myself to think as I step out of the shower and wrap a towel around me.
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Thanks for reading! sorry for all the suspense :> I have my reasons!
Word count: 963
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A Good Girls Guide to Guilt
Mystery / ThrillerThe Crown vs Max Hastings verdict has just been read and Pip can finally go back to her old life after an exhausting 2 years of no contact with the people she loved. But will the guilt she feels for everything she's done allow her to?
