A Good Girls Guide to Guilt

How could I forget

The verdict was read 2 minutes ago. I'm stood here waiting for something to happen and nothing does. I don't know what I was expecting, what? Did i want my life to just suddenly not be such a dumpster fire? for my parents to call me and say, It's okay Pip, we understand you can come home now. I never even told them why Ive been pushing them away, why would they.

I remember the last time they called, they asked if I have any time off soon and I said no. They told me they missed me, that my brother missed me, that Cara missed me, but I couldn't do anything, I had to stay away and remind myself that I was doing it for them. I haven't called them since, that was 4 months ago.

My phone pings in my pocket and my erratic heartbeat comes to a halting stop when I see the text on my screen.

15:33, 1 year, 8 months and 16 days later.

"Hey Sarge, remember me?"

I'm not quite sure how long i've been stood here, I can't hear or feel my heartbeat for that matter at all anymore and i'm still staring at this message in awe. I almost want to laugh at the message, at the way my heart immediately pangs at how he used to make me feel and his goofy personality. My eyes dart around the screen, sent 5 minutes ago. Okay, question answered.

I've played this moment over and over again in my head more times than I can count and still, I have no idea what to say, i'm speechless. I see a drop of water hit my phone before I even realise i'm crying, I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand but that only makes it worse, I start sobbing and sniffling in the middle of the street.

I drop my arm to my side and look up to the sky, my heart feels like a stone in my chest yet there's a weight off my shoulders, a relief i've been waiting so long for,

"He waited for me" I say through wretched sobs, "I can't believe he waited".

I left him there, sobbing, alone on the floor and I left, I loved him so much but I had to do it and after all the doubt and regret i'm so glad it was worth it, I haven't spoken to him since, I thought he wanted nothing to do with me, why would he want anything to do with me after how I ended things.

I lift my arm back up, I have no idea what to say, what if i say something that ruins everything, what if he's changed his mind on wanting to be with me, what if he's doubting himself like I am right now. Despite the thoughts racing through my mind, I move my wobbly fingers and try to stable my shaking body as I type.

I watch my thumb as if in slow motion as it moves towards the send button and makes contact with the screen,

"How could I forget" I reply.