A Good Girls Guide to Guilt

Now or Never

My knees wobble as I walk towards the kitchen counter where my mum sits, I wipe the nervous perpetration off my forehead and rest my head in my hands with a sigh.

"What's the matter darling?" My mum rubs my back soothingly, looking at my with concern as I groan into my hands. "Just a rough night" I say with a pitiful laugh at the understatement, last night was horrifying, and it's all because i'm back here, I shouldn't be here...

"Oh i'm sorry sweet" She stalks over to the kettle and boils it to make me a cup of tea, "I have something that might cheer you up" She pulls the milk from the fridge and leans against the counter waiting for my reply.

"What is it?" I reply doubting that her offer will actually cheer me up, but what's the harm in entertaining right? "I called around and Cara's coming to see you!" She says with a gleeful smile, the excitement changing her body language, "I know you don't see her much so I thought it'd be nice" She tilts her head and smiles at me.

"Cara?!" I say, giddiness lining my features, she nods as she sets the tea down in front of me. I haven't seen Cara in god knows how long! I've been in contact with her the most out of everyone but I'm still so excited to see her, "I need to get ready then!" I grab the cup carefully and skip towards the stairs.
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I lean against my bedroom door and take in the sight, there's so many reminders here. Making the murder board with Ravi, the sleepless nights and secrets harboured in this very room. I feel goosebumps layer over my bare skin, but I must admit it's nice to be back. I stroll around the room, lightly grazing my fingers over everything I walk by, almost as if it was someone else's room and not my own, as if i'd never been here before.

I plop down on the bed and reminisce in silence, the lingering scent of bleach filling my nose. That's still here? I think in disbelief, I know the smell of bleach sticks but for goodness sake. I sit down at my desk and run my fingers over it, its been organised. Wait a minute... it's not just been organised its been cleaned too, I cautiously lower my nose to the table and take a whiff, bleach. Right, that's where the smell was coming from, obviously...

I push the reminders of bleach to the back of my diseased mind and open my wardrobe, scrounging for anything decent to wear, majority of the clothes I packed from college have been worn atleast once so I look for something clean to wear. After going through my wardrobe minimum of three times I found blue jeans and a fuzzy patterned jumper that'll be adequate.
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I sit nervously on the couch for the next 30 minutes staring out of the window looking for Cara, I've been glued here, so afraid that if I move she won't arrive. but eventually I do get bored so I go on my phone to pass the time, Delivered, he's probably nervous; it's like him to be nervous. Unless he's changed.. No, he's not changed, Ravi can't change, he's... Ravi.

I fiddle with my fingers nervously when I hear the classic ding of my doorbell, my head shoots up so I fast I think I got whiplash. I hear the jingle of keys in the door and the stamp of Cara's feet on the mat as I race to the door, her face lights up when she sees me, I throw my arms around her and we squeeze the air from each other, I breathe in the intrusive smell of coconut and vanilla that Cara drags around on her.

"God I've missed you" Cara says through tired breaths, "Likewise" I laugh as we go to the living room and chat. We talk about school, jobs, our love lives. Cara has a new girlfriend; Lydia, she's a science major and they've been together for 4 months. If Cara's happy, i'm happy.

"Wait you came back for Ravi?!" She shouts in a hushed whisper after I tell her why I came back but I still throw my finger to my lips and shush her, "Yes" I sigh, "but I haven't spoken to him since so I don't know where we stand, what if he just did it in the moment and regrets it?" Worry etches my face as I wait for Cara's high valued opinion.

"Well there's only one way to find out..." She shrugs and gestures her head towards my phone, I stare at my phone in suspense, should I message him? You know what, Cara's right, if I want something to happen I need to make it happen. I stand up and grab my phone from the table, swiping onto it with unnecessary force.

My face scrunches as I type with determination before I inevitably change my mind, I type a message but change my mind and delete it, Another one; too long, make it short and sweet Pip. I tap my fingers on the screen in rhythm with my beating heart as I type out my message.

I let out a breath, "I think i've got it" I look Cara in her eyes with fear and tilt the phone in her direction so she can read. She leans forward and squints her eyes to read the message, I sit anxiously waiting for her response. "That's it." She grins at me and I turn my attention back to the phone.

Here goes nothing.

"I'm here for you"
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Thanks for reading! I feel like the story's getting messy but oh well!

Word Count: 966