COTE: Self-Preservation

Y2V3: Ichika Amasawa's Soliloquoy

Do you ever hear an insult so bad that you can't even be mad? It sticks in your head and you just have to admire it? One day, I was given that insult. It wasn't even meant to hurt me that badly, and it didn't make me feel bad, but it stuck to me. 

I was told that I'm a worshipper in a cult for someone who I don't even know is worth worshipping.

I wanted to argue against it, but fact it, it was true. I guess I should go head back more so it makes more sense. IVF babies, I'm one of them. I don't know anything about my dad, but judging by the fact that he went this route and then chucked me in a random facility in the mountains makes me think he doesn't care about me much. My mother is in the same boat.

Should I have questions about them? 'Why did you do that to me?' and stuff like that. But, honestly, I didn't care. To me, they're just people I share blood with. 'Blood is thicker than water' is a pointless idiom to me since I could walk past the blood every day without noticing. I've had my theories, and they've crossed my mind every now and then, sure, but if you asked me whether I actually wanted to meet up? Nah.

Now, moving on to the 'random facility'. The White Room. A place that supposedly made geniuses regardless of genetics. I was the antithesis to that. Pretty much everything came easy to me. Parading me around and showing that I was a good product didn't mean anything, all it showed was that people with good genetics and a good environment would excel. Duh. 

And then I got second place one time. Then a second time. A third, a fourth, it just wouldn't end. I started trying my hardest, studying late into the night, doing extra laps, but it wouldn't matter. He was ahead of me, and it felt like his eyes were never even focused on me. Obviously I knew who he was focusing on. 

The so-called 'masterpiece'. I thought it was a fraudulent title at first, but I could never prove it. And every result I saw made me wonder if it was the real result. No way he's just that much better than me, right? It was unbelievable.

And every day, year by year, it set in. I could believe it.

But back to what stuck to me in my head. I could believe he was great, but I couldn't prove it. I had faith, and I had statistics, but I never had any of my own experiences.

So, I did the only thing I could.

And yeah, he did exactly what I knew he would. He excelled and survived. 

One more thing about the facility, I gave up.

I tried... so hard.

In my own generation, I was second. In the facility, I was third. There was no hope of moving up. There was a monster at the top and I'd never reach him. And I thought to myself, do I even want to reach him?

I don't want to just keep going like that, grinding away every day to get third again.

Besides, what do I even get out of it? A pat on the back from someone I've never met?

Imagine that, living your life entirely to accomplish someone else's wishes. 

It's a sickness, like living a dying life.