Was I Ever Here? ; jenlisa ff G!P

19 (TW)

Lisa Pov

Watching you fall from the cliff was not the last— or even the first time I had watched you die. Like a sick joke between me and the karmic ties incessantly pulling us together. Our souls eternally enchained. Bound to you and your sweet carnal release. Destined to find you, again and again, until death would once more steal you away from me.

Until we meet again under different faces, different names. Our souls reaching out, yearning for just a touch. Desperate for the familiar warmth of our noxious love.

I had arrived home late on that day. I also remember being a man. I had spent the evening out. Drinking with coworkers to quell the bore of our marital bliss. I loved you, yes, I loved you truly. But I was lost. And so were you.

Months ago, we had sat in the wooden chairs of a doctor's office, listening to the doctor inform us you were infertile.

Times were different then, different roles, different expectations. And being a mother was the most coveted role a woman could have. I had taken your hand in mine and watched the light blink out of your eyes as the doctor struck a match and lit a cigarette.

He then coaxed us out of his office and bid us fair health.

We didn't know better. I didn't know any better. And I failed to know how to help you. How to reach through the darkness and find you. I watched you die soon before I ever found you found your lifeless body on the floor.

I watched joy never find you again. The clunks of ice in a glass full of gin becoming a melody to your sorrow. The sleepless nights spent staring, catatonic, at the waning moon. Waning like you.

My love. My light.

You were disappearing into the dark starry night, with only but a sliver of light left.

The house was dark. The yawing shadows of our home greeting me at the door. But not you. I assumed you had gone to bed. I took off my hat and coat and headed to the bar for a nightcap. I didn't turn on the lights as I sat in my favorite chair in the living room, finding comfort in the silent darkness around me.

I took my time to find you, my love.

Please forgive me.

I didn't know.

With the last sip of whiskey still on the tip of my tongue, I made my way to the carpeted stairs to the second floor. I walked passed the bathroom with the door ajar. I wanted to kiss your warm cheek first. To watch you stir in the wrinkled sheets, the sweet smell of sleep on your skin. The guilt of spending so much time away from you blackening my thoughts. I needed you. I needed us. I just...needed.

But a shadow on the bathroom floor averted my gaze away from the bedroom before me. A chill crawled down my spine like an omen destined to come true.

Slowly, I turned to face the bathroom and reached for the light. Time stood still as I watched the overhead bulb illuminate your too-still body. Bathed in the truth of what you had done.

An empty bottle of pills tipped over beside you.

A half drunk bottle of gin.

Your hair soiled from your own puke.

I stood there for too long. Paralyzed by the sight of you. Your lifeless eyes. Your graying skin. Your nightgown askew, bunched up to your thighs. Your hand reaching out as if to asking for help.

Asking for my help.

And I had done nothing but let you die.

Upon your last exhale, I had been buried deep inside a bottle. As your chest rose up and then down one final time, I had not thought about you. I had not even felt you.