"How are you?" I ask him. I look at his face and there are some bruises. His left feet is covered with cast as well as his left shoulder.
"I am fine. No, I'm better because you visit me na." He said enthusiastically. I gulp and look away. I can't bear to see his smiling face.
"That's good to hear. What happened ba?" he's trying to peel the banana but he couldn't so I did it for him. I hand it to him and he took a bite.
"Thank you. Natumba kasi yung isang worker sa mga supplies and gumuho ito at tumama sa akin. So ayun." I nod and play with my hand.
"Is it bad? Are you badly hurt?"
"Nope. Sabi ng doctor ay hindi naman malala and there is no need for operation. I think I'll be discharge na din after few days." I feel relieve. I thought his state is really bad. Good thing it isn't.
"That's great."There's a silence between us.
"May problema ba tayo? Kanina ka pa hindi makatingin sa akin ng maayos."
I look away because I don't know how to say it. He just got hurt and I'm gonna hurt him again. This is just cruel. I want to back out and leave but I saw Shawn looking directly on us.
I look back to Radon when he touch my hand. Agad ko itong binawi dahil sumama ang tingin ni Shawn. He's like ready to hurt someone.
"May problema nga. Is it because of the kiss? You became distant after that." He worriedly ask. Umiling ako. I took a deep breath and muster all my courage before I look into his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Radon. I'm really sorry." I think guilt is written on my eyes. His eyes waver and he look away. He look back to me and give me an understanding eye as he force a smile.
"I'm not rushing you, ok? I told you before, I can wait. If you are not ready yet then I wouldn't hold it against you. Just let me love you. I can wait. Please. " I was consume by my conscience when I saw him begging and his eyes keep wavering. He shouldn't beg someone like this. He doesn't deserve this. I know, that's why I'm letting him go because Shawn is in my life.
"It's not like that. I-" I took a very deep breath because I feel like I'm gonna cry.
"I realize that I still like him and I let hin hold me." His eyes blink multiple times. It's like he's processing what I said. He laugh a little and look at me. I know what he thinks with what I said. I won't fool him with secrets. I know we didn't do it all the way but it doesn't mean that I am less innocent.
"I asked you Chantal. I asked you multiple times if you like him or if you like someone. I told you I won't interfere if you do pero tinanggi mo lahat. You said, you don't like him. You let me court you. " There's sadness, pain and anger in his voice. He's not shouting at me. He's speaking in a low voice but it feels loud.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." I'm breathing heavily. I don't know what to say anymore. I can't and I won't justify what I did.
"You made me feel special. You made me think that there will be an us. You even kiss me. Was that all a lie? " His voice is cold and accusing now. I know I hurt him and I deserve every ounce of his hatred. Pinaasa ko sya and that's the reality.
"I'm really sorry. I really like you. You are a great person. I like you but not the same way as you do to me." He clench his fist and look away. He's breathing is ragged.
"Stop it. I know I'm responsible for my own feelings. Hindi mo rin naman hiningi lahat ng binigay ko but you made me hope. Hindi ko sayo sinusumbat lahat ng nangyari. You made your decision and I will accept it." I lost it when he said that. After all I did, he didn't curse me or said hurtful things to me. He didn't disrespect me when I did him wrong.
" I'm sorry. "I said with all my heart. I know all I did was apologise but that's all I can say right now. I don't want to do any justification for my wrongdoing.
" Stop saying sorry. I will get over this so don't worry. I can't talk to you anymore because I don't want to say hurtful things. My emotions are clouding my rationality and just-- I can't deal with this anymore. Just leave. " He look away and close his eyes. I swallow a lump of air before I stand.
" I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. "I left his side. Paglabas ko sa room nya ay tumulo na ang luha ko. I hurt him but why am I crying I don't even have the right to do so. He's not just a suitor for me. He's my friend and I just lost him.
Mabilis akong naglakad, lalapit sana si Shawn ng pigilan ko sya.
" Are you happy now?" I look at him angrily. Hatred and contempt is visible in my actions. He didn't say anything and look at me without any emotion.
Nilagpasan ko siya at hindi lumingon. Pagkadating ko sa sasakyan ay pinagbuksan nya ako ng pinto ngunit hindi ko sya pinansin at sa likuran ako sumakay. I heard him sigh before he went to the passenger seat. Buong byahe ay hindi ko sya pinansin. Pagkadating namin ay agad akong lumabas at iniwan sya sa parking lot.
I went to my unit and lock myself inside my room. My tears are rolling down as I change my clothes to a comfortable one. Humiga ako at niyakap ang unan habang patuloy pa din sa pagtulo ang luha ko. I feel so guilty. My conscience is eating me alive.
I heard someone outside and I know it's Shawn. I didn't mind him and just sleep my tears away.
