Hold On To Me (Marina)

20.I Won't Give Up

"We can just go to the hospital garden. There won't be many people there." the OB/GYN suggested. Keira was staring at her bedsheets, pensive, pondering the options she had. What was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to go? Was she supposed to stay in her room?

"Hey, we don't have to go, bella." Carina reassured her, reaching out without touching her hand.

"I want to try." the girl finally said.

"Are you sure?" Maya checked, not wanting her to feel pressured. Keira raised her gaze. Her blue irises looked at Carina first then at Maya, looking for something that could help her answer. But that was her choice and she knew that. She took a deep breath and clenched her fists.

"Yes." she said, finally. "Let's go.".

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It was a beautiful day, even if a bit cold. They had found a coat and a hat for Keira and were now at the hospital garden, surrounded by nothing but silence. The girl nervously looked around, hoping for eventual people to stay away from her. She didn't even know why she felt that way. She had to be strong, not so weak.

"Hey, look, a squirrel!" Maya exclaimed all of a sudden, pointing at the animal that was running to the tree.

"Oh, there are plenty of them here." Carina explained. Keira slightly smiled at the sight of the squirrel. It looked cute. She loved squirrels. Raphael had used to take her to a spot full of them and they had spent so many nights there, just him and her, in their tent.

"Keira, hey." she heard Carina call her. Only then did she realize that she was crying. She wiped her tears away and looked away.

"I'm fine." she said, but it was clear that wasn't true.

"Do you want to go back inside? It's colder now and it's almost lunchtime." the doctor told her.

"I told you I am fine!" the girl snapped, but regretted it one second later. "I'm sorry, I... I am so-..."

"Hey, shh." Maya tried to soothe her. "It's okay, we're not mad, Keira. We just want you not to catch a cold.". The teen nodded, still a bit panicky. "Okay then, let's go.". The two women stood up and the blonde started pushing the wheelchair towards the entrance. All of a sudden, Keira's breath got labored again. She was having a full blown panic attack now, it was clear.

"Hey, no no no, look at me. Eyes on me." Carina told her, crouching in front of the wheelchair. "I know you don't want me to touch you, so just try to copy me, okay? Inside. Outside. Like this.". Keira tried so hard to do as Carina said, but her gaze kept avoiding the Italian's, going to the man before the entrance.

"Bambina, don't look at him, look at me instead." Carina insisted.

"C-c-can't." Keira stuttered, shaking as a leaf. The doctor glanced at the man, then at Maya, who didn't really know what to do. She was so scared to trigger the girl more or, worse, her wife. She knew that man was just Levi Schmitt, one of the Grey Sloan interns and one of the kindest men on Earth, but she also was aware of the fact that for Keira he embodied danger and trauma.

"Bambina." Carina softly called her, bringing her back from her thoughts. "Turn the wheelchair.". Maya did as told and moved the wheelchair to a tree, so that they could be in an even quieter spot.

"Keira, I need you to breathe, okay? That man isn't here now, it's just the three of us." Carina tried again. "See? You're safe here. And Maya is a firefighter and a former athlete, she has the strength to protect you."

"It's true. It's my job." the blonde confirmed, even if deep down she didn't trust herself so much.

"S-safe." Keira mumbled.

"Yes, you're safe. No one will hurt you." Carina promised.

"No one."

"No one.". Finally, panic made room to tears, a sign that despite her crying Keira was calming down. She sank her face in her hands and started sobbing, aware of how much vulnerable and weak she was in that moment. And she felt so ashamed for that.

________________

Carina was in the bathroom, her wrist under the cold water. Seeing Keira like that had been hard. Knowing why Keira had been like that was hard.

"Here you are." she heard Maya saying while entering the bathroom. "I've looked for you everywhere."

"I just needed to pee." Carina evasively responded while turning off the tap, hoping for Maya not to ask anything. In vain, of course.

"Are you okay?" the blonde questioned.

"Why shouldn't I?" the Italian replied.

"Well, seeing Keira like that has been hard for me. I... I thought..."

"Maya, I'm not a fragile glass statue ready to break at any time." Carina retorted, clearly wanting the firefighter to shift the topic.

"I know." Maya said. "But this doesn't mean that what we witnessed before wasn't draining.". Carina let out a sigh and leaned against the wall, her gaze up at the ceiling.

"Do you still want to do this? Because it's a lot and... Do you still want to do this?" she asked and Maya realized she wasn't just talking about Keira, but about herself too. And that awareness broke her heart.

"Carina, it was hard and painful to watch, I don't want to lie to you. And the worst part is knowing that I will never be able to entirely understand what she is going through because for a moment this made me feel so useless." Maya started. "But this doesn't mean that I don't want to be there for her. And I'm sure this is what matters the most. I will always be there, Carina. Always.". The Italian sniffed and wiped her tears away with the back of her hands. "Sorrow is scary." Maya continued. "But we can't run away from it. I don't want to run away from it."

"Me neither." Carina muttered. "I'm just... I've never realized how much Riccardo hurt me. And it's crazy because it's been twenty years." she confessed.

"It's not about the years Carina, but about pain. And it's normal that Keira triggered you." Maya replied. "So, my question is, do you still want to do this?". Carina was taken aback by that sudden question, the same she had asked the blonde. She raised her gaze. Her wife's blue eyes were peering at her, waiting for an answer, but not in a pressuring way. Maya wanted Carina to be sure of her choice. She wanted Carina to think about herself for once.

"I do." the brunette whispered. "I do. As long as you're with me, I do.". Maya softly smiled at her and closed her into a tender and lovely embrace. She kissed her forehead and gently cradled her, allowing Carina to hide her face in the crook of her neck.

"I love you." she said and the Italian moved, so that she could face her. Blue irises met hazel eyes, once again. But this time there was no fear, nor grief in the brunette's gaze. There was only certainty, certainty that with Maya by her side everything would be alright. She was sure of that.

Author's Note

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