Wicked Prompts

MUTUALLY ASSURED (HOME) DEFENSE

"I'm looking for something to protect my family," said Ed, staring at the array of armory behind the counter. There were laser weapons, electronic magnetic forcefields, robot guard-dogs and an assortment of small hand-held stun devices made to look like normal personal items, such as glasses, hats, and gloves.

"Well, we have everything here you could want," said the salesclerk. "If I may ask a personal question sir. Has something happened to make you concerned for your family's safety?"

"Actually, there's been a slew of home invasion robberies in the neighborhood. They usually attack when nobody's home but they've started invading even if the family's there now. They have those new dimensional mind-readers too sometimes. So they know which families are the most vulnerable."

"Well, I might recommend that you buy a protection bracelet for each member of your family. It protects them from energy blasts and also tracks them in case of kidnapping."

"What about that thing there? The little black suitcase on the upper shelf," said Ed, eyeing a black square case the size of a shoebox.

"Oh, that's a PND," said the salesclerk. "A 'personalized nuclear device'."

"Like for cooking?" asked Ed.

"No," laughed the clerk, "not for cooking sir. For home defense."

"Does it do what I think it does?" asked Ed.

"The nuclear explosion is small. Much smaller than the smallest battlefield nukes. Given the average suburban home is now about 5 acres, with half that area being the yard, the explosion is guaranteed to vaporize the entire living space. The explosion will go three to four stories down and wipe out those new basement levels that are so popular and hit anything that might be floating up to a thousand feet above, if you have drones or a blimp platform. It should only singe the neighbor's fence so no worries about collateral damage."

"I don't get it," said Ed. "Wouldn't it kill my whole family and level my house?"

"Well, your house is covered under homeowner's insurance. Of course that won't replace you or your family, but this is a home-defense weapon of last resort. You use this if you're other home protection measures fail."

"I still don't get it," said Ed, rubbing his hair as if he might pull a chunk from the top of his scalp.

 "Well, sir. The intent isn't to ever use it. But the home invaders will know you have it. That's what's important. So they won't rob your house in the first place. They'll move onto the neighbors house or down the street. Of course you'll have a sign out front that says, 'Personalized Nuclear Device On Premises - BEWARE' but more importantly, they'll know you have it from their mind readers."

Ed nodded thoughtfully.

"With the proliferation of mind-readers, you don't even need those other defense measures. I suppose they're still good to have in case your invaders are suicidal, stupid or don't have a mind-reading device, but the PND operates just fine independently," added the clerk.

"And this is legal to own?" asked Ed.

"Yep. Under the extension of the Second Amendment, Second Amendment 2.0, PND's are permitted for home defense, for the protection of friends and family."

"What about terrorists or crazy people?" asked Ed.

"Well, with all the advanced mind-reading and mind-control software in use by the NSA, Pentagon and even your neighborhood police force, they'd know hours before the bad guys even know what they're going to do. Flip of the switch and they can turn them off. Even control them now."

"The PNDs?" asked Ed. "They can switch them off and control them remotely?"

"Oh no sir. I don't think the civil rights groups would allow the government to do that. But they can turn off and control the terrorists," said the clerk.

"I don't know," said Ed. "If they can do all that, then why do we have so much terrorism? Why do we still have home invasion robberies?"

"You know how it is," the clerk replied. He must have gotten these kinds of questions all the time because he had always had a ready answer.  "They need special warrants and court orders to do all this stuff. What's permissible to stop terrorists doesn't apply to ordinary burglars. Besides, using this stuff is expensive."

"Well that PND has to be expensive too," said Ed.

"Not really. Not when you consider the safety of your family. Slightly less than a shared-hover car plan. And you can pay in installments."

"Ok," said Ed. "I guess I'll take it. I will need the financing option, but I have good credit."

"Great," said the clerk. "I'll just need to see a copy of your life insurance policy. You know, in case you have to use the PND before its fully paid for. Or if you like, I can sell you an add-on policy here."

"Yeah, sure, where do I sign?"

"Just need a quick retina scan. Look here please," said the clerk, shining a pen-sized light in Ed's eyes. "Thanks."

"Can I take the PND home today?" Asked Ed.

"Actually," said the clerk, looking at his retinal implant, momentarily distracted. "Ah, yes, normally you could, but I'm getting a warning message."

"Warning message? What do you mean?" Asked Ed.

"I'm not really sure," said the clerk. "Never seen this before but there's a mushroom cloud in the background. Something about you suffering from unhealthy thoughts, but no particulars. I'm not allowed to sell you this sir."

"I don't understand," said Ed. "I'm perfectly healthy. Totally sane. I can assure you. Just ask anyone I play Bridge with."

"I'm sure you are sir. Maybe there's been a mistake, but the fix is easy enough. Just head over to the pharmacy for a secondary screening. If there's any indications there they can give you a pill. Take the pill and come back here. Nine out of ten times that does the trick. If you go now you can be back before closing and take this shiny new PND home with you tonight."

The clerk smiled wider than before. He put the PND beneath the counter very carefully.