Stealing You

7 hours ago

"Please, Rin...Let's talk." 1 hour later...we were ready to speak. Of everything going through our hearts and minds. 

"It's a long story." 

"Probably the last day I'll spend with you. Please! Take as much time as you want!" 

"Alright...Here goes nothing" I took a deep breath...and began. 

"So...1 month ago, when we went to that part at your house? Sae and I met and...exchanged numbers. I know you're mad! Please just hear me out! You had never been kind to me. And ever since my mom's death, I hated myself. So I wanted to forget everything of who I was. You made it easier. To you, I was nothing but your girlfriend. Not (y/n). Not a student, not an artist, nobody. JUST your girlfriend. And it helped... I slowly started forgetting who I had once been. I was just a nobody. A shadow, a trophy. 

I thought...it was my comfort zone. Then, I met Sae. He was...so unlike you. He was kind, and he wanted to know who the real me was! Sae...gave me the courage to accept myself, because I knew that no matter how selfish I was, somewhere out there, would accept me. What I had done, said to my mother, was unforgivable. But someone was accepted this weak side of me.

My dad had always said, that my bubbly, cheerful personality was annoying. That I should just shut up cuz I bothered others! And...you had agreed with him! Sae was someone, who was ready to accept me, as I was! I was no longer afraid to be me around him.

And I don't know WHY my heart malfunctioned! WHY it happened to me, but, my heart started beating a little faster around him. My mind started looking at him differently. He grew from my idol, to my comfort zone and finally...to my love.

That's when I realised. I had never loved you. I was just using you. Using you to make me forget who I was! What we had wasn't a relationship, Rin! For many reasons. 

It was a trade, because we were both using each other. You, to increase your fame, name, popularity in the books of the media and my father. And me, to forget my identity, my personality. I felt I deserved the hurt you were inflicting upon me. It was payback for what I had done to my mother. 

Ours...was a hierarchy. A relationship is amongst equals. We were never equals. You were always above me, Rin. I was always below you. This isn't love. It's...management, in the words of corporate and discrimination for the society!  

But also...ours was friendship. We could share everything with each other. We could look at each other and smile... 

You never loved me too, yknow? The control you exercised, your possessiveness... I was a tool, that you could safely validate yourself with. You've always needed power over everything you surround. I gave you complete dominance, that was MY fault. You accepted it. That was yours. And right now...admit it, Rin. You are not afraid of losing me. You're afraid of losing this sense of validation. When I go...you KNOW you will start feeling empty. You will succumb to the darkness again of self-hate! And you are afraid of that. 

So you need me. You need me to keep you grounded. Am I wrong...?

When you lose someone you love, you miss the person. YOU will miss how I made you feel. Cuz I made you feel safe. You found safety outside of your personality, cuz in there...you were a dense, dark ball...of loathing. Outside, you could control everything. So you no longer had to feel weak. 

7 hours ago...when I locked myself in my room and started crying, I was hating myself! I loathed everything I was! I had first hurt my mom, and now, I was hurting you. 

Sae texted me many times. When I didn't respond, he called me. When I didn't respond even then...he came home." 

5 hours ago: 

"(y/n)! Cmon, open the damned door please and talk to me!" Sae shouted. 
"No...you can't see me this way" I said, wailing. 
"I can, and I WILL!" He responded back! "If you don't open the door, I'll break it! Your father be damned!" 
"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU?!"
"NO I DON'T!" he shouted back. 

I slammed the door open. The moment I opened it, he hugged him tightly to him and lead me to the bed, still hugging me. He was hugging me tight, as I wept softly onto his shoulder. 

Soft fingers ran through my hair, and he rubbed my back gently, asking me to calm down.... 
"What's wrong, princess? Tell me about it? Please?" He asked in the softest tone possible and I kept crying. 

"I don't deserve you, Sae!" I wept out. 

"Why not?" He asked me lovingly. 

"Cuz...I am a selfish person!" 

"My princess...everyone in the world is selfish. It's human's natural tendency" 

"but my selfishness has hurt so many people! I have only ever cared about myself! That's my weakness!" 

"Now that you know it...either you change it, and start caring more about others. Or you keep loving yourself in such a way, that you cause minimum damage to others...? We've all been selfish at some point in time. But everyone we hurt, slowly grow from it and learn to move on with their lives. Some take time, some don't. But everyone finds a way to. It's people like us, who can't forgive themselves, who hold on to the pain we caused everyone else...." 

"Is that even the right way to think?! I've hurt so many people...that I don't deserve forgiveness?!" 

"No one is pure...my princess, no one is pure. We've ALL hurt someone at some point in time. If we keep hating ourselves, the world will leave us behind. You don't deserve this hate! YOU don't deserve it! That guilt will always walk with you. But you can't let it become a burden." 

"I hurt my mother...and now...I hurt Rin!" 

"Your mother forgives you!" 

"Doesn't matter! I still hurt her! I deserve to be hurt the same way!" 

"The fact that you want it...is forgiveness enough" He hugged him tighter to me. 

"But..." 

"Princess...how much longer will you keep being this hard on yourself? You need to analyse your past. Everything that has happened before. And you need to understand, that in every argument, both the sides are at fault. Some, are more than others, but it's always both the people who are at fault. Forgive yourself, if you can forgive the other person. Will you please tell me what brought this on?" 

And so I told him in detail...my fight with Rin. His fists clenched! Angrily...his eyes narrowed. I latched myself onto his neck, protecting myself. 

"(y/n)...you are not at fault here." 
"I am! I made him angry!" 
"no no no! you aren't! don't blame yourself." 
"but..."
"Shhhh...Didn't I say? Analyse the past" he brought my head into his chest and patted my head softly. 

"Sae....am I...your sister?" 
He looked at me as if I had grown horns. 

"Why would you think that?!" 

"Cuz..,you protect me like elder brothers would protect their sisters..."

"Nah! You're not my sister. You don't even wanna know what you are to me."

"Really? Why?" 

"Will you be able to handle yourself here? Can I leave...?" 

"Where...do you want to go?" 

"I have some...business to attend to." I saw his fists clench tighter. 

"Am I...bothering you?" I asked worried. 
"Of course not! It's just....Alright, I'll come clean. I want to make Rin apologise to you. Please don't stop me!"

I nodded my head..."I don't want his apology, but...I won't stop you, cuz it'll agitate you. Goodbye" 
He gave me one last hug and went away. 

Present time: 

So...well... once he left. I thought about many things. And I came up with this. We both were at fault. And we were never in love.

Rin...you know what's going through my mind now. I cried for hours after Sae left. It helped me think. And it hurt me to know how much I had wronged you. Can you please, EVER forgive me?!