I didn't give you my consent | Station 19

11 - We are here for you

TW: Self-harm thoughts, Flashbacks (rape), suicidal thoughts...

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The others came in through the door one by one in silence and gathered in the room.

Travis joined Vic on the right side of the bed. He looked at me worriedly and took Vic's hand when he realized that she was also very distressed by everything:

"We're all right here for you Mila."

At the same time, Maya sat down next to Carina, who was still leaning against the head of the bed to my left, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Jack came in last with Andy and I saw that he was still fighting back tears and looked very upset.

He sat down in the chair where Ben had been sitting and Andy sat down next to Travis at the foot of the bed and looked at me in sympathy:

"I heard we're having a big sleepover party here at your room tonight?"

She looked at me smiling sweetly and Maya added:

" Only if you would like to, of course."

Vic grinned and added:

"We can also kick the men out and have a 'girls' night'."

She put her hands up and started hip-dancing on the bed. We all laughed and shortly afterwards everyone looked at me for an answer and I thought about it for a moment.

I trusted everyone in the room and felt safe with 'em, which is why I didn't really care whether it was just the girls or also the boys in my bunk:

"As long as everyone can fit in the room, everyone can stay!"

I grinned at everyone and was happy that I wasn't left alone and that I had the support of everyone I could think of.

Andy jumped up and pulled Vic with her:

"Let's get the mattresses!

Jack and Travis were about to get up too but Vic shushed them both and just said:

"You don't need to come with us, we're stronger than you guys anyway."

She flexed her muscles for fun and posed. I laughed and Travis pretended to be really offended but then had to chuckle too.

Maya stood up and looked at Carina with a grin:

"I'm going to get some blankets and pillows as well, will you stay with Mila?"

Carina now looked at me and I said in a low tone:

"Go help her for a minute, Jack and Travis are with me, so nothing bad will happen."

-

"Are you sure it's okay for you to stay alone with Jack and Travis for a moment? I'm just saying, if you don't feel comfortable with no "woman" in the room, I can totally understand that!"

-

" I'm completely fine with them, I feel perfectly safe with both of them!"

I looked at Travis and he smiled happily at my statement and was pleased that I was trusting him. When I looked at Jack, however, I wasn't sure how to interpret the look on his face.

Carina stroked my back briefly and got up to leave the room holding hands with Maya.

I looked back at Jack, who was now trying to smile at me and make me believe that everything was fine with him.

I suddenly felt responsible for the fact that he wasn't well and my smile that had formed from all the help from the others weakened abruptly.

Travis took my hand when he realized that something was wrong with Jack and me and that we were unintentionally tearing each other down at the moment.

I looked at Travis now:

"I don't want any of you to feel bad about what happened..."

I looked back up at Jack and continued speaking:

"... If you're trying to blame yourself, then please don't, because it wasn't your fault! ... T-That stuff that happened was my fault..."

Travis now took my other hand in his:

"Mila, no one here is to blame for anything..."

While Travis tried to interrupt me and convince me that I was wrong, I continued to speak, blocking out everyone around me and looking at the matress:

"... I'm the one to blame, I'm just saying..., I didn't fight back successfully, I made the decision to get my backpack on my own, I decided to not take the bus but to walk..., it was my own fault that I forgot my backpack, and in the end I even suggested the damn restaurant..."

Travis looked at me sadly and I heard Ben come in. He had heard my sentences, stood in the doorway the whole time and breathed in and out deeply and then sat down next to me, in the place where Carina was sitting before:

"Mila, it's not your fault that this happened to you today..."

I tried to suppress my tears and resist the urge to storm out of the room and vanish forever...

Just before I could say anything else, Travis spoke up again and started talking:

"I know you blame yourself Mila.... But it's not your fault and we will all help you to recognize that. It's not anyone's fault that a bad person did something so horrible to you!"

At the beginning of the last sentence, he looked at Jack in particular, who nodded and seemed to realize that no one should blame themselves for a bad person committing such a terrible crime.

Ben now held a bag of ice cubes on my hand, which I hadn't noticed before and I knew what he was trying to do. Miranda, Carina and him had tried many methods with me to stop me from self-harming and this was one of the best methods that worked for me

I looked at Ben, Travis and finally Jack, took the bag in my own hand and squeezed it on my other hand, pretending to cool it:

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that..."

Jack was now speaking his mind:

"Mila, I know you blame yourself and you know I blame myself...for not accompanying you or noticing that your backpack was left there.... But Travis and Ben are right, no one is to blame and I will try to believe that and you should too. Nobody could have guessed or controlled the events of earlier today."

I nodded and gave him a broken smile as a kind of thank you and picked up the pillow in front of me again and hugged it tightly. I knew that if I said one word, I would burst into tears again.

Jack came over to the bed next to Travis and looked at me with tears in his eyes:

"I'm here for you Mila and no matter how long it takes, we're going to figure this all out!"

I didn't deserve everyone worrying about me. I looked at Jack and Ben stroked my back when he realized I was squeezing the zip-lock bag full of ice cubes tighter in my hand:

"Thanks..."

Just as I thought, that one little word triggered the flood of tears I was trying to hold back.

I started to cry... embarrassed by myself for crying all over again I turned away from the others after a few seconds, laid down and pulled my legs up to me.

I squeezed the ice cubes harder in my hand to feel the pain from the cold and to try and shut out the unwanted thoughts that were started to play in my head.

I saw the man standing in front of me again, I felt him touching me, injuring me and undressing me. I wanted him out of me and to finally vanish and forget what he had done to me.

I felt Ben stroking my back soothingly and I started to cry even harder. I didn't deserve to be cared for. Why did I even deserve that someone would do such a terrible thing to me? Because of him, I'm just a pile of misery that burdens everyone around me... I kept wondering and hardly noticed anything around me anymore...