By Your Side/ WooSan🖤🧡

Demons

Just like a broken mirror
I see more than one of myself
Different versions of myself
But one shattered heart.

Trigger warning: this chapter will contain triggering topics such as eating disorders, anxiety, panic attacks, self-degradation and suicidal thoughts.

You have been warned. Please take care of yourself and seek help if needed! I am here to being awareness to those topics not to harm anyone! So please be advised and put yourself and health first!

San pov:

As time flew by, my relationship with Woo got deeper. It was no longer a question of crush, like or love. I was feeling wanted in this world.

I know as an idol; my life revolves around people wanting me... more like wanting one version of myself. This strong, intense and famous star. But there was so much underneath it that people were not aware of.

We all have demons that end up hurting us... in many ways that we least expect. We try to find comfort in anything or anyone that could fight our demons when we can find a way to do so.

It is not easy, but it is possible because not everyone is willing to give their precious time to someone else when time is this important.

But Woo did it and more.

"Babe!" a voice yelled from behind the bathroom door. It was Wooyoung.

Today was a relaxing day. We just finished rehearsing before our concert and we had a day off. We decided Woo and I to spend it together, in the most comforting way. We didn't want to overwork ourselves and we wanted to be together. Everyone was out which meant we had the dorms to ourselves.

"Yeah..." I answered.

"Why are taking so long?" he asked, trying to open the door. But it was locked "why did you lock the door?" he asked worried.

"Oh... " I paused "I didn't notice... I probably did it unconsciously. Don't worry I will be out in a bit!" it wasn't unconsciously. I locked it on purpose. You see, Woo and I have been the closest people to each other but there were somethings I couldn't tell him or show him.

As I was staring at myself in the mirror, I felt like I was about to throw up. Having Woo enter could make me tear up at any second.

I stared and observed every inch of what people called idol, star, sexy, hot, beautiful... what people called San... and I wondered what was so special?

I was ugly. The imperfections killed me inside and I wanted to break every part of me, reshape them and be happy. My body was not perfect. The abs were not enough, there was fat on my waste and my face... well I wanted to give myself some changes. I wanted my eyes bigger, my cheeks thinner ...

Every morning I wake up and stare at this body of mine, I ask myself what's good about it? I worked out every day to make it look acceptable, but it was still ugly. Disgusting. I hated it.

"You sure? It just felt like you don't want me in... did I do something?" he semi-whispered. I know that not going further as in having sex has been making Woo anxious. The fact that I stopped before anything happened, or that I showered on my own or that I locked my bathroom door ... all of those made Wooyoung doubt my love for him but what could I do... do I just go to him and tell him 'I don't want you to see how ugly I look? Or what's underneath my clothes?' I'll hurt him. "Babe?" I stayed silent. What could I answer? "San..." he waited. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, trying to force my tears back in.

"Angel, it is nothing... I just didn't notice..." I sighed, trembling from how untruthful my words were. The silence that occupied made me hear my thoughts even louder:

You ugly!
You liar!
He is gonna leave you!
You don't deserve him.
He is better off with someone else.

JUST DIE!

I hated my mind. My feelings.

The only thing I was holding on was Woo and how I will hurt him if I do anything ... well if I leave him. But I knew he could have been with so much better.

Well, you see... this is mainly why I never confessed to him or asked him out a long time ago.

To tell you the truth

I knew he liked me from the start.

I was heading to the studio one night, two years ago and overheard Wooyoung and Yeosang talking.

Woo was having a major panic attack, stressing over our last comeback but it wasn't all...
I was going to come in and try calm him down when Yeosang asked Wooyoung 'do you think that it is because you like San?'

At first it didn't make sense... but as time passed by, I could see how he got jealous or insecure of the other members. I found it cute and adorable, but it hurt me that I couldn't reassure him.

To tell you the truth

I loved him since the day I laid my eyes on him. It might sound cringy, but he was the first person to make me smile without saying a word. Just his eyes, his smile and his aura made my worries disappear. That was why I couldn't be weak but strong to help him when he needed it the most... that was why I couldn't tell him how I felt even though we both needed someone to reassure us. I just couldn't ...
HOW COULD I! DON'T BLAME ME, OKAY?

Sorry.

I'm just scared that he would find me too much and leaves. He's already dealing with a lot as it is.

"I'm done, angel!" I opened the door, and he was there sitting on the bed. He looked down but he stayed and that was enough. I smiled.
I love him... don't blame me.
Let me be selfish.

You see...
We all have our demons.
But they don't hurt...
I was wrong.
In fact, we hurt ourselves.
Not them.

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I am so far loving writing every chapter! I hope you liked it! It is different from what I usually write. But oh well.
If you have any recommendations please feel free to suggest them to me! I'll take it into consideration!
Anyway please remember that this story will contain some heavy triggering stuff so please be advised to take care of yourself first!
Thank you for your support! 🖤🧡