just a normal patrol

Chapter 12

I don't know how to help someone who's angry. If I did I wouldn't be like this I would be this way.

I gesture for a hug and he jumps on the opportunity. I grab a blanket and cover us both up. He hasn't been okay the past couple weeks. Not just days. He hasn't been eating properly, his sleep schedule is fucked, he hasn't really done anything besides lie in bed. He needs help and I can't force him to get that help, I gave him a recommendation but the day he would call it happened.

I take the opportunity to look over him, he looks dangerously underweight I mean like, if he randomly passed out, I would definitely have an idea why. His eyes have horrid eyebags, which is to be expected when someone has had four hours of sleep for a week. I wonder how his wrists and body are healing. I grab his chin, and without thinking I kiss him. I realize what I did but no one says anything, I can't tell if that's worse or better. It was definitely the wrong time but I wanted- no needed to kiss him. I run my fingers through his fluffy hair then drop my hand down and bring him into a bone crushing hug. His tears subside into nothing but we stay there. Eventually he wraps his hands around me and I smile.

We needed to talk. I don't want ruin the moment but I have to.

"Can we talk, deku?"

"A-about what exactly?"

"You."
His eyes beam up at me with disappointment.

"W-what about me?"
"You know what I mean, you just had a thing like 20 minutes ago."
"I haven't hurt myself if that's what your asking, or at least since the bathroom incident." He chuckles but I just frown.
"I mean what's going on? I want you to tell me so I can help you better, sure I can help you short term, by helping you through panic attacks and whatever but I can't stop it if you don't talk to me."
Recently we've been talking a lot about what happened but not about him. It kind of hurts that I can't help him at all.

"I- I guess tired?"
" But why? Is it cause you won't sleep or don't want to or can't or is it the nightmares keeping you up?"

"I-..I guess I'm just scared to sleep. Sorry that sounds so pathetic." He rubs the back of his neck. A gesture he picked up from middle school as a way to cool the awkwardness.

I reposition us in a way that shows that I want him to continue. He picks up on the gesture and looks towards the floor.

"I-i guess, that when you sleep y-you're a lot more vulnerable t-then when you're a-awake. I think that's what's scary. Someone could do a-anything when you're asleep, and you can't really do anything about I-it." My brain processes what he says. I've never thought of sleep as something, dangerous or risky, it's always been seen as a way to recharge ; not something that should take energy to just think about. Now that I think about it it makes sense he would view sleep as that, a vulnerable state.

"Does it prevent you from sleeping?"
He nods and my heart receives a ping or two
" Is there, anything else? I mean I know there is but what is it. And don't fucking lie to me either."
He rests his head on my chest and I hug him while he takes a deep breath. He prepares himself to talk while I wait for him to tell me.

"I-i guess sometimes I feel dirty. Almost like I've been r-ruined." My chest feels heavy, how could he ever think that? I signal for him to continue, and he does just that.

" I-it feels like I h-have to wash it off, l-like if I'm w-washing m-my hands, a-and I feel his or m-my dads h-hands on me I h-have to scrub at my wrist till the f-feelings are gone."