Unconditionally Bae

29. It's Ok not to be okay

“Did you plan on fucking me when you came over?” I asked as we lay naked in bed.

“No,” he said interlocking his fingers with mine. My head was using the left side of his chest as a pillow.

“Then do you walk around with condoms and lube?”

“I got them before I came to see you. They were just a precautionary measure. I just wanted to see you and maybe get to talk to you but I also knew that there was a very high chance I wouldn’t stop myself if I got you alone like this,”

“Is your boyfriend okay with you doing this?”

“If that’s your way of asking if I’m still single, then yes, I am,” I punched him.
“Ouch! Still violent I see,”

“I don’t have a violent bone in my body. I just don’t want to be an accomplice to cheating,”

“You’re not, just like I know I’m not,”

“How sure are you that you’re not?” he leaned in and gave me a kiss on the head.

“Because I know you’ve been single since I left. A few hook ups here and there but that’s it,” I sat up and looked at him.

“How did you know? Have you been stalking me?”

“I can’t call it stalking. I was just checking up on you through friends,” this man, he was never short of surprises.

“I missed you so much,” I said still looking at him

“I missed you more. You have no idea how much and how miserable I was without you,” he said pulling me in for a kiss.

“I think I do have an idea because I felt the same way,”

“Did you really mean it that night when you said that you regretted the day we met again?” he asked nonchalantly after I lay my head back on his chest.

He was still a softie. I was almost cooing. How could such a manly man be so soft and adorable? Curtis had always been a softie, the biggest one I knew and words really affected him more than he let on and it was a douche bag move on my part when I’d said that to him. I turned again to look at him and he looked at every part of my face except my eyes.

I smiled at the fact that not even the years, distance and environment had changed him much. I placed a chaste kiss on his soft lips before getting him to look me in the eyes.

“The only thing I regret is saying that to you,” I assured him.

“I always wanted to call you. When my mom died, I wanted to call you but I couldn’t. I thought you were still mad at me and wanted nothing to do with me,”

“Oh my, baby, I had no idea. I’m so sorry. When did she…? How did she..?”

“Almost a year ago, she suffered another stroke,”

“I’m so sorry my love,” I said hugging him. He broke down in my arms. I couldn’t recall seeing Curtis shed a tear not even when he laughed. He was what the society would call a real man, which was bullshit all things considered.

Keeping emotions bottled up and going through life like nothing was wrong was as dangerous as walking around with a ticking time bomb and it was the reason why most suicide cases reported were more from men compared to women.

It was okay to not be okay. It was okay to cry when life and things happening around felt overwhelming. Crying wasn’t a sign of weakness. Crying wasn’t meant only for women. If that was the case then only women would have the ability to cry just like they have menstruation.