Devil May Care

Chapter Fourteen: If Not For You

I did something stupid. I messed up. Like, I really fucked up. I always seem to ruin everything when it's supposed to be okay. And I did it again, but it's best for him.

It'd been two whole weeks. Not one, but two. It doesn't seem like much in the grand scheme of things. For Sam and I, it might have meant everything. It seemed like we were running out of time and it was all my fault.

As much as I yearned for Sam, I couldn't repeat this cycle of hurt. I'd have to hurt him one last time so that he'd be okay. He'd be safe from me. As much as I wanted him, in every way I could imagine, I had to protect Sam from me.

I stared at my phone as it buzzed on the counter. It was him again. Always him.

I could have blocked his number, I could have silenced my phone. The sick part of my brain loved the ache every time he was there, just a press of a button away. The sick part of my brain needed to know he still cared.

Missed calls. I'd lost count of how many. He left voicemails until my inbox was full. He sent text after text, ones I didn't read, ones he knew I wouldn't answer.

He was relentless.

A knock at the door. I slowly walked toward it, sure I wouldn't answer.

Another series of knocks.

I stopped a few feet away.

Banging at the door.

I couldn't take it. I fell to the floor, silently crying as he called from the other side.

"God damn it! Answer the damn door, Lucie. I gave you your fucking space. I know you're in there. Open the door!" Angry.

"Lucie, please. I am begging you, open the door. I need to see you. I need to know that you're okay."  Desperate.

"That was stupid. I know you're not and I don't care how bad it is, let me be here for you."  Softer

"You promised, Lucifer. Don't break it." Hurting.

"Please! Don't make me break your fucking window."

I didn't doubt that he would. I stood slowly, leaning on the wall for support, and unlocked the door.

When I opened the door, Sam was immediately rushing through the threshold. He held my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. I don't know what he saw, but he pulled me into a bone crushing hug. He kissed my hair and kept his mouth pressed against it as he spoke.

"I won't let you leave again. I wouldn't survive it. I know what I said but I can't let you go. I'm being selfish with you."

I pushed him away, breaking the embrace and putting space between us. "You can't depend on me, Sam. I'm not cut out for whatever this is. I can't form normal relationships. I pushed my friends away. I don't see my family. I dragged you through the mud more times than I can count. I'm just gonna hurt you. I'll keep hurting you until you finally leave. I'm not worth it."

"Yeah. You've hurt me. But I can take it. I'll keep coming back. Call it caring, call it Stockholm Syndrome. Whatever you want. It's worth it. You are worth it, Lucien Jaymes. And I'll spend however long I need to make you believe it."

I sighed and walked further into the house. Sam shut the door and followed. "I'm not what you want. I'm not what you need. You want Charlie and I'm the closest thing to him. It's okay. I understand."

He groaned and pressed his fingers into his temples. "Stop putting words in my mouth and just listen. You are not Charlie. I know that. And you aren't just some cheap replacement either. I care about you, Lucie. I always have and I always will. So let me care about you and stop fighting it."