You're Already Mine

Chapter Nineteen

Tw: trauma, ED

Soon, my roommates have fallen asleep and it's a peaceful night. Clover and I have dozed off while watching videos on my phone in her bed. Around eleven, I wake up to my phone buzzing with a call from Sernie. I swiftly get out of bed and walk out of the room and out of the cabin with my phone in my hand. Everyone in the cabin is fast asleep. I arrive on the back porch, the same place I was the other night when Lucas came out to check on me.

I answer the call and hold the phone up to my ear. "Hey," I say, my voice quivering.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Sernie asks on the other side.

I let out a shaky breath. "Yeah, just worried."

"About what?"

"About Clover." I tell him what's going on.

"That sounds rough," he says. "Have you tried talking to her about it?"

"She told me about her childhood. But not about everything else. When we met, she was also really shy, but as I got to know her, she opened up a little bit. Did I tell you about the night we went to the beach?"

"No, what happened?"

"We were on a date all day, and went to the beach at sunset to hang out and took a nap in the sand or whatever. And then when I woke up past sunset, she was on a boulder, muttering to herself about how stupid she was. And then she started hitting herself."

I take a deep, shaky breath. "I just don't know what to do," I admit.

"I'm sorry this is so stressful. I think the best thing would be to talk to her about it some more and see if there's anything you can do to help. But it's been awhile. Who is Clover?"

"Ava broke up with me when I ditched our date to hang out with you. She was toxic, anyway. On the thirteenth, I met Clover at the bookstore, and now she's my girlfriend. And we've officially moved here."

"Ah, gotcha. Happy belated birthday." Sernie had gotten me an electric guitar.

"Thanks." I let out a shaky breath. "I just don't know what to do," I repeat.

"I know. Again, I'm really sorry this is so stressful. Does she live with her dad now?"

"Yes. Her mom lost custody."

"That's good."

"Yeah," I say, tracing patterns with my finger on my left leg.

"I guess some things just follow you around everywhere, and the pain never fully disappears. I think the reason she was hitting herself, or why she isn't eating, is because she was trying to punish herself for something. It would make sense to me if this was caused by her having abusive parents. The best thing you can do is to be there for her, listen to her, validate her feelings, and cheer her up when she's feeling down, but don't force her to talk about it. And if you ever need help, you can always come to me or Lucas."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"What's life like for you?"

He laughs. I realize now how much I've missed his laugh and my face stretches into a sad little smile. "Not much. I go to summer school, I eat, I sleep, I repeat. Sometime should we meet up with the dogs?"

"Yeah, and you can meet Cocoa!"

"Sounds good. Anything else?"

"Nah, that's all. Thanks again."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

"Bye."

"Bye." I hang up and set my phone down on the porch beside me. Talking to Sernie again gives me so much relief I nearly cry. I've waited for ages to hear his voice again, and now, finally, he called me in the middle of the night when I'm at camp.

Lucas has come out onto the porch again. "Are you alright?" she asks.

I nod, and I almost mean it. Then I shake my head, a movement that holds more of the truth. Lucas walks over and sits next to me.

"What's up?"

"Sernie suggested talking to Clover some more and seeing if there's anything I can do to help. But, like, when do I talk to her? How do I know whether or not she's ready to talk about it?"

"Maybe it would be best, just for now, to give her some space."

"I promised myself I would look after her."

"Okay, then I take it back."

I laugh through the tears, and then I sniff. Lucas wraps his arms around me and I fall into his embrace.

At breakfast, Clover doesn't have a tray in front of her. We're sitting with the new friend group again, and I'm next to her. I lean over and whisper in her ear: "Are you okay?"

She nods, but I'm not convinced.

"Are you sure?"

She shakes her head, still staring vacantly at the center of the table.

"Are you serious?" Lucas asks loudly, eyes wide as he bangs his fist on the table. Clover flinches. "You're a fantasy fan, and you've never seen Lord of the Rings?"

I look at Clover, rubbing her back. I shoot Lucas a harsh glance, and he mouths, Sorry.

Malachai shrugs. "I haven't had the chance to. I'm too focused on reading. I like reading better than movies."

"Should we sit somewhere else?" I whisper to Clover.

She nervously shakes her head.

"Hey," I say softly. "I won't hurt you. I'm not mad. No one is mad at you and no one is going to hurt you. You don't need to punish yourself for anything. You didn't do anything wrong."

A beat. Then-

"Punish myself?" she whispers.

I hesitate. "Would you like to talk about this now, or wait until later?"

"Let's wait until later. Not now."

"Tonight, then?"

"Tonight."

"Well, I see you two are whispering stuff to each other," Cheyenne remarks, and Kylie giggles.

"Stuff, that's for sure," I confirm.

"Well? Share it with the group."

"I-"

"They don't have to share anything they don't feel comfortable telling," Lucas says defensively.

"Sorry."

Lucas gives me a sympathetic look and I return it with a small grin.

"Not hungry?" I whisper to Clover, and she shakes her head. I take a couple of protein bars from the tray in the middle of the table and show them to her. "These are in case you get hungry later, okay?"

She nods, so I put them into my pocket. She doesn't look at me for the rest of breakfast.