My sister is dying.
My parents are dying.
My partnership is looking a bit ill.
I have one friend I can be around without feeling exhausted.
One friend I can be myself around.
Only one.
1.
You said your biggest fear was dying alone and I snickered. Why would anyone be afraid of that? But now I can't remember what my argument against it was anymore. I think I said my biggest fear was seeing gore in real life on accident. It still is... But now I get why being alone when you're dying is horrifying.
Loneliness isn't just sadness and depression...
It's anxiety and panic too.
When I'm alone in the office staring at my monitor, sometimes I get a sudden panic attack for no reason. My brain goes up into the sky and leaves my body behind. It's like my ability to comprehend my own existence disappears and I have to pretend to be human so I don't pass out. I can feel it coming on these days too and then I have to comfort or distract myself so it doesn't get me. Like running away for all eternity from a wasp you accidentally challenged. He stings me now and then though.
I read an eyewitness account of the people who fell from the WTC on 9/11. They explained those who fell first perhaps had no idea that behind the thick black smoke filling the building was the open NYC sky. Suddenly they were just falling. Imagine suddenly falling out of the fucking sky and having no clue how you got there. All you can understand is that you're about to die. It's offensive for me to compare, but that's what it feels like...
I am scared of death and even more scared of the people I love leaving me alone.
