In the Shadows

Part Eight: the Nadir

    "Put me down!" I yelled, twisting and kicking.

    My struggle just made him laugh more. Nick and Eric weren't far behind. T.P. dropped my to my feet but didn't let go completely. Nick took my backpack, holding it high above his head. His long, muscular arms held my books as if they were weightless. In a panic, I jumped up to try and grab it. They only laughed more.

    My whole body tensed as I felt Eric's hand took a hold of my backside.

    "Listen, newbie, we got a proposition for ya."

    I didn't respond. Nick pulled a crumpled up five dollar from his front pocket.

    "Is this enough for a handy?"

    The trio burst into laughter. I gave up. I pulled away from their grasp and began walking, then running, off campus. I didn't know where to go, I just had to leave. Looking back over my shoulder, I watched them throw my bag into the street. I kept running.

    Next to the school sat a quiet pond. It wasn't very large. Three large old willow trees clung to the shoreline, the long weeping branches dipped into the water. I followed the path that wrapped around the water. The walkway split into three directions; one led to the parking lot beside an elegant gazebo, overlooking the water; one snaked through a memorial flower garden that was nestled behind evergreen trees; lastly, a well trodden trail of dirt between the tall yellow grass, coiling around the tall hill. I decided to follow the loose gravel upwards, wondering what might be at the end.

The foot path ended at a lone bench on top of the hill. The wooden planks of the bench seat were old and faded by the sun. A large oak tree stood close by, the only tree at the top of the hill. There were no leaves left. I sat on the dilapidated bench to catch my breath, but stayed for the rest of the day. I was completely dissociated, becoming one with the fatigued scene.

Loneliness swallowed me.

***

    When I woke up, it was still dark outside. I was lying on the stale carpet of my bedroom floor. The cold, early winter air poured in from the open window. Just outside, I heard a mourning dove cooing on the balcony. I would have stepped out there, only it seemed I forgot to finish getting dressed after my shower.

Still wrapped in only a towel, I forced myself up and back into the bathroom. My bones ached with every shivering step. I don't think I have ever been so tired in my whole life.

The fluorescent lights stung my eyes as they came on. Just as I suspected, my hair dried in my floor sleep and now looked like stale ramen noodles. Needing to fix my hair was the perfect excuse to warm up with a bath. I sat on the porcelain edge as the water filled, the room getting steamy and cozy.

Stepping in to the hot water felt great, until it didn't. As I submerged my body, I was reminded of my damage. My forearms and thigh burned against the water.

I winced in pain, remembering how it happened; remembering the shame and anxiety that turned to anger and blood. I looked over the resulting self destruction, for only a moment the physical pain was so much easier to cope with than anything I felt inside. For only a moment, I thought my body looked as ugly and broken as I felt it was.

I stayed in the tub until the heat was gone. I watched the black sky turn a pale blue to greet the morning. I finally drained the water and crawled out of the bath with wrinkled hands. Back in my bedroom, I looked at the pile of canvases and sketchbooks, pens and paints, the things I loved collecting dust. I felt guilty for what I was doing to myself.

I got dressed, planning to try something new. Or rather, something different.

My arms stung as I pulled a tight fitting long sleeve shirt on. I added an extra bandage to my thighs before grabbing sweat pants. Tying my hair up high, and my sneakers on tight, I prepared myself to go for a run. I used to run miles and miles every day. Once the depression took over- the first time- I had given up on it.

What did they say in that one girly movie? Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy.

Briefly stretching my arms and legs as I marched out the door in the early morning light, I heard my dad call out behind me, "Have fun and be safe, Sweaty- I mean Sweetie!"

I felt good.

Nearing twenty minutes into my run, I found myself on the sidewalk leading towards the downtown shops. The clean sidewalk was covered by the rows of perfectly manicured dogwood trees, waiting to bloom in spring. I listened to the sound of sprinklers clicking on, dogs barking playfully behind the fence. The world around me grew color.

Just then, a small car came rushing around the corner. It slowed swiftly before making a u-turn. The sporty little hatchback cut across both lanes and pulled a few feet in front of me. I stopped, wondering if the car wasn't so lowered, would they have driven straight over the curb. Looking through the windows, the car was full of teenage boys, packed in tight like sardines.

Suddenly, a head popped out of one of the windows. Leaning his whole upper torso from the back window, John waved his arms at me enthusiastically. He had a wide smile and heavy eyes, still drunk from the night before.

"It's you! It's you! You're the one! What's your name?" He hollered happily.

I chuckled to myself.

"Sara? Samantha?" He rambled on, trying to remember who I was. As he continued to guess, I noticed a small scuffle inside the car. The dark haired boy sitting in the passenger seat was yelling at all the rest of them. He was shoving, harder and harder, at the driver who only laughed. He pointed the the road, pleading for the gang to drive away. The passenger covered his face in his hands and slumped down low in his seat. John continued guessing as the car finally crept away.

"Scarlett? Sabrina?" They got almost a hundred feet away when I heard John's excitement escalate. "STEPHANIIIIIIEEE!"

For the first time in months, I smiled.