Met Her Through The Media

❦Avoidance

I nodded slowly at him as an indication for him to continue. He looked at me making sure I wouldn't disrupt him again before he continued.

"I realized that what I say today will never be an excuse but I owe it to you to explain my reasonings. To rip the bandaid off with you Dakota, I fell out of love with your mother."

When the words left his mouth. I could've sworn my heart stopped.

Deep down within my subconscious. I always had the thought of the turn of events within my household was due to a love loss, but I never wanted to believe in it. I wanted to believe in anything but that for selfish reasons.

"Your mother never did anything to make me fall out of love with her-- I just did. Your mother noticed it and would allow her sadness over the situation turn to anger and in doing so, my own anger transpired. She would keep trying to re-light my spark towards her and it would, hate to say this, but it would irritate me."

As he kept talking I began to feel more and more dissociated. I felt hot all over. Irritated? Over your wife? My mom? Wanting to not lose her first love, her marriage?

"What kind of shit-"

"Dakota just let me finish and you can cuss me out as much as you need to." His voice growing a little louder, cutting whatever I had to say. Off.

He inhaled from his nose once more before exhaling, "It was times when I would follow through with her attempts. Times when they actually worked-- but they were temporary fixes and the irritations and angers would push forward again from both of us. I didn't want to hurt your mom believe it or not, I love the woman but I'm just no longer in-love with her. I couldn't get her to understand that for the longest, I pulled you into it because of pettiness I could admit and the fear of losing my bond with my only child."

I still kept silent as I watched the older version of my stand from the step to lean against the handrail of the stairs.

"Eventually I gave into her suggestion that space would be the remedy. I believed it myself for a bit but once the space was taken, I realized it did no justice in a reunion for us. I came to the realization that I in fact want a divorce and decided before talking to your mother, more in depth of course. I wanted to talk to you and apologize for my behavior, you didn't deserve it."

When he finished talking I honestly felt numb. I felt an unbelievable amount of sadness for my mom, I felt sadness for myself, and for him I found pity and barely that.

I understood shit like this happens a lot but I couldn't grasp that it was happening to me. I couldn't seem to give not one fuck about my dad in this situation, someone I use to hold on a high podium when I was young. Someone I seen as gentle, funny, charismatic, and loving to my mom.

"So all those years you never once thought about couples therapy. Instead of making a stain in my fucking life? Instead of fucking over my mom?" I spat angrily in a leveled voice as I didn't want any of my neighbors to be disturbed, nor did I want to disturb my spirit.

My dad's once solemn face turned sour as he scrunched up his eyebrows tight and brought himself from off the rail, "what about me Dakota? Am I not entitled to my feelings? Im the bad guy?" his voice louder than mine caused me to feel my anger vibrating.

"Here goes that narcissistic bullshit," I scuffed out a laugh "You were the one who fell out of love right? My mom tried to make it work in her own way, you didn't give a fuck enough to try! You were thinking only of yourself so much that you brought not only her down but me too! I was a fucking kid dealing with grown shit!"