The Rise Of The Morningstar (Eng. Version)

Chapter 54 - Courageous Confessions

Chapter 54 – Courageous Confessions

I had found my way back to Jace's room. Night had now fallen, but neither he nor I particularly cared about that. I sat on his bed, my back against the wall, the photos Jace had given me spread out on my lap. The hours passed, but I could do nothing but stare at them. Every now and then I picked up one of them and held it right under my nose to examine every centimeter carefully; or ran my fingertips over the highly polished paper. As if I wanted to trace the contours of my family. As if touching them would bring me closer to them. As if through the images I could disappear from this reality and slip into another.

Jace and I hadn't exchanged many words since I'd changed. I was still in a melancholy state, still feeling the pit in my stomach, as if the ghosts of my past were screaming especially loudly for me today.

Jace was also sitting on the bed, but at the headboard and hidden behind a book. As if that could make him invisible. I wondered if he regretted inviting me here; whether he wanted to be left alone or to sleep. He didn't pay any attention to me and was completely focused on the pages of his book. If I hadn't been so deep in my own thoughts, I might have taken the opportunity to look at him more closely.

The voices in my head were screaming. I couldn't bring myself to focus on any of them for too long. I had the feeling that my deep, convulsive breaths were the only thing keeping my core from breaking. Why was the pain so bad today? Why was it robbing me of all my energy today when it had been lurking in the background for the last few weeks? Like a wild beast that had hidden its hungry nature until I thought it was tamed, only to break out and devour everything in its path now.

The photos had pulled the rug out from under me. In good and bad ways. They gave me comfort and reminded me that there had once been good times – reminded me of my mission; why I was still here, why I had to fight, who needed to be avenged. They tormented me and made me realize that I had lost so much – the futility of my mission; no matter how hard I fought, whether I won or lost, nothing would undo the past.

And then there still was Jace, who had also hurt me. Even though we spoke to each other again, I hadn't forgotten the thing at the Seelie Court. I had just pushed the memory back, waiting for the right moment. I despaired in my loneliness – a loneliness that went beyond friendship. That kiss in front of the Seelie Queen had made me feel even lonelier. Because of that look he had given me afterwards. And even though I'd stopped ignoring him after Jonathan almost killed him, we hadn't talked about that kiss. I wanted to claim that there hadn't been time since his attack, but that would be a lie. There was always time for the really important things. Time could be created and space freed up.

But now I was sitting here on Jace's bed and couldn't bring myself to open my mouth. I lacked the courage. Because of that disgusted look. Because I was afraid of his rejection. And right now I wasn't ready to deal with this. No matter how hard I tried to tense my vocal cords to utter the question – to even draw his attention from the book to me – no sound would come from them. I took a few deep breaths, prepared to raise my voice, certain that I had now overcome it, only to let my shoulders slump in silence.

So I stared at Jace. Time and time again when I felt brave enough to ask the question, only to back out again. There were so many stable constants in my life. That my mother was dead, my brother possessed by a demon, my father a power-hungry psychopath. That I could count my allies on one hand. That at least half of the Nephilim loathed me and considered me a traitor. That some of them didn't shy away from killing me. Jace was different. I couldn't see through Jace. I had no idea about his desires, intentions, and thoughts. He said one thing and did the opposite. He hated me and then suddenly he didn't hate me anymore. He kissed me and then looked at me like he still hated me. Of all the constants in my life, Jace was the one variable whose course I couldn't control.