The Rise Of The Morningstar (Eng. Version)

Chapter 51 - Brother

Chapter 51 – Brother

For the next few days, I tried to withdraw as much as possible from the lives of the others. The anger and shame still ripped through me as hotly as the moment Jace had broken our kiss and given me that shattering look. Every second around him was agony. It felt like this visit to the Fairy Kingdom had reset our entire relationship to zero. At least from my point of view. I didn't know what he was actually thinking because I only spoke to him when it was absolutely necessary. Regardless of whether in the house of the Lightwoods or while training.

Training in the garden of the Lightwoods was suspended shortly after our return from the Seelie Court by the Inquisitor personally, who had found us a new instructor after the Kadir disaster. Someone willing to follow in Kadir's footsteps. It was none other than his brother Malik.

I hadn't been enthusiastic at first, but it quickly became apparent that – unlike Kadir – he didn't seem to hold a grudge against me. Apparently at least. He treated me exactly the same as Adam and Jace and was only interested in training and evaluating the data on angel blood. He was interested in the abilities that angel blood bestowed on us and quickly figured out what I could do with the runes. So far he hadn't asked me to create a new rune, but I was sure it was only a matter of time before the Consul or the Inquisitor would suggest it. It was still more or less an open secret. Hardly anyone in Alicante knew yet that I could create runes, but the Silent Brothers had informed the Inquisitor about it.

For now, Malik focused on the training that ordinary Shadowhunters went through. He wanted to test all the basics first before he dared to do something bigger.

Outside of practice, I avoided Jace as much as possible. After days of sitting by my side non-stop, it felt strange to be completely alone again. I didn't like it, even though I knew it was the right thing.

The few hours a day that the Inquisitor forced me to be in the same room as Jace and Adam were hell. The dispute with Adam and the silence with Jace fueled my anger, which Malik felt. He had trouble keeping me in check. I wished I could make it easier for him, but I couldn't control my body myself. The only positive effect of that was that I outperformed both Adam and Jace in training. That whirlpool of emotions that I wanted to shove to the back of my mind exploded every time I faced one of them in the ring. No matter whether sword fight, archery or duel. I felt like I was at the peak of my strength; felt like the anger was driving the power in my blood.

Malik disagreed. He didn't think my anger would be the key to my success. Anger fueled you for the moment, but it would always lose to poise and balance if I were to face Jonathan at some point. Because unlike Jace or Adam, Jonathan was my equal. Malik was convinced that my hate wouldn't be enough to defeat Jonathan because he felt at least as much hate. On top of that, I felt like Malik thought my anger would evaporate the moment I actually had to fight Jonathan. He wanted my anger to go away. In his view, the only way to truly defeat your opponent was to be in tune with your own feelings and not let them sway you.

Anger and shame had helped me against Jace and Adam, but I felt none of that against Jonathan. All I felt was sadness, fear and hopelessness. That wouldn't help me in battle. My only alternative would be to push those feelings away and find inner balance. If you took Malik at his word, I should find my damn peace of mind before I stood in my brother's way. Malik spoke quite frankly to me; always told me exactly what was on his mind. I detested it. Probably because I knew he was right. But I wasn't strong enough to break away from this pain. I wasn't strong enough to shed the fact that Jonathan was my brother like a snake would its skin when it bothered it.

With no other choice, I endured the training, trying to ignore both Jace and Adam completely. Harder said than done. Especially when my ignorance wasn't mutual with either of them. Every day since the Fairy Kingdom thing — or the Blake rooftop thing, I couldn't put my finger on it — Adam rang the bell at the Lightwood estate to talk to me. I never opened the door for him because I was in my room most of the time, but Isabelle – against my will – told me every little thing about it. They never let Adam in the house because Isabelle and Jace no longer trusted him after the night at the Ashdown house. He begged for a minute alone with me, which he was denied every day. From what she told me, I could only infer that Isabelle took pleasure in sending Adam away, and from the way she described it, Jace seemed to take his frustration out on him as well. I didn't want to talk to Adam. Not a single word. The need to kill Blake still tickled my fingers.