Holliewood

chapter twenty-eight

My back sank into the velvet couch as my eyes stared at the plain white ceiling. The silent office allowed me to listen to my breaths as I inhaled and exhaled. My ears registered the sound of my heartbeat.

"I just don't get it..." I muttered, proceeding to tilt my head towards Dr. Mallory's chair.

"What don't you get, Holliane?" She questioned, leaning back in her chair.

The scent of her alluring perfume had made its presence known - a scent I'd grown to associate with comfort. My second safe space. The four walls that encased all my fears and desires.

"I don't understand how my emotions  are operating at the moment."

"How so?"

"Everything has just been so intense and that's not something I'm used to. I've been questioning myself a lot and that just leads to even more questions."

"Do you know what I believe? I believe you have the answer to all your questions, but you're just ignoring it," she spoke, putting her notepad down for a moment.

"And what is the answer?"

"You have feelings for him; It's as simple as that. You're just dealing with a lot of trauma - trauma that you are yet to overcome," she responded.

I immediately sat up, "I hate that way of thinking. Why is trauma always seen as the obstacle someone must overcome, otherwise all that trauma was in vain?"

"I don't get what you're trying to say, Holliane."

"I feel like you're trying to tell me I should just get over my past, the same way everyone else has been telling me to for these past couple of years," my eyes watered. "Like my feelings and my actions aren't valid, or like I'm a person who keeps dwelling on the past."

"That's not true, Holliane."

"But that's what it feels like," I shut my eyes, feeling my breath hitch in my throat.

She remained quiet and gazed at me, allowing me to take in every bit of emotion.

"Now I'm made to be the villain for pushing him away," I voiced, "when in reality... this just triggers dark memories. The last time I felt like this about someone he literally broke me, physically, mentally and emotionally, all in the name of love."

"Hollie, I want you to understand that I see you and I know you being on the receiving end of abuse was very distressing. I would never tell you to get over that. I didn't go through what you went through, so I have no right to say that. When I said 'overcome' I didn't mean it in a sense of simply getting over it, I meant it in a sense of healing. The memories will always be there, the effects of the things he's done and said to you will always be there. What I'm saying is that the way you feel about Day is complex, but you haven't healed so you resort to ignoring your feelings. That's just my analysis of the situation."

I took in her words, shifting my gaze to the white flowers on her desk. They looked beautiful.

"Sometimes it's okay to allow yourself to feel these emotions. You're only human, Holliane."

"I can't tell him how I feel about him."

I finally accepted it.

I accepted the emotions that I had been at war with. I accepted them, but I didn't plan on doing anything about it.

My actions were very fucked up.

When I kissed Day, I felt a sense of comfort and an even stronger sense of belonging. It felt like all the tension had been finally let go and it was a moment that was supposed to happen.